Without You
by Reasons For Laughing
Summary: challenge songfic for Josh. Remus and Sirius, dealing with life and not dealing. Song: Without You RentLots of eventual lemon, torture, other pairings, listed inside. Review. 14 of 14 SLASH
1. Chapter 1

Here it is! Challenge fic for Josh. Songfic to Without You from Rent. Remus/Sirius, One sided Sev/Sirius, Remus/Sev (kinda), Sev/Regulus, Harry/Draco

Lots of lemon. Requirements: Lyrics to without you, lemon, Sirius/Remus, a torture scene and...i dun remember the rest, but it's there.

1 of 14. REVIEW

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Challenge—Without You 

Chapter One

Remus Lupin sat curled up in a chair, wrapped in a large patch quilt, shivering. He tried to tell himself that it was from the snow, but he had looked out the window and seen the January warmth start to thaw the freezing ground. His shivers weren't from the cold, and yet he pulled the quilt around him tighter, inhaling the scent of its previous owner.

Without you the ground thaws 

He shifted on the large chair, bringing his legs to his chest and hugging them tightly. He tried to hold in a sob, but it tore through his throat and echoed in the utterly empty room. He rubbed his head against the blanket, nuzzling it, and pressing it closer to him. He could remember the first time he had witnessed the patchwork quilt and the boy who was trying desperately to shove it back into his luggage.

Remus's amber eyes wandered to the large painting on the opposite side of the room, whose occupant was currently painting its nails a horrendous shade of black. He watched the figure attempt to continue to do its nails, but its long tendrils of black hair kept falling in its face, and it couldn't push the hair back without smearing the nail polish. Remus had told him many times, it would be much easier for him to put his hair up or not paint his nails at all, but the man seemed to enjoy ignoring Remus for sport. He choked in another sob as he heard the figure start to hum.

He knew that song. That was _his_ song. _Their_ song. He closed his eyes and imagined that it wasn't just a foolish dream, and that they were sitting together again. That they were happy. That the man in the painting wasn't six feet under and six months gone.

He pulled the quilt tighter around him, and cleared his throat loudly, trying to get the lump that had settled there to dislodge itself. The figure turned and smiled at him, winking and laughing. He knew that laugh. It was the same. It wasn't like his own laugh, which James had once said could be compared to the tinkling of bells. No, it was a loud, obnoxious, infectious laugh. He used to hear that laugh so often. The figure in the painting was one who could find humor anywhere, in anything.

He was fearless and brave, funny and passionate. He was everything Remus could safely say he wasn't. He was Remus's polar opposite, and yet neither could manage to embarrass the other in public, or to say the wrong thing. Remus could hardly remember a fight between the two of them that had lasted longer than an hour or where the actual fight had taken more time then the make-up sex.

He watched the man again, slowly paint his nails. Remus knew he could sit here all day and watch, but Harry wouldn't allow that. Harry had insisted that Remus join himself and Draco for luncheon and tea, despite Remus's claims of having a doctor's appointment, it being the full moon, and his final admission of having a hair cut to get to. Harry had ignored him and had stated the place and the time and told Remus to shut up, show up, or receive more Howlers than he could ever envision.

He smiled at the portrait, then said softly to it, "I have to leave soon. Harry's dragging me off to another luncheon, and I should probably show up this time."

The portrait smiled back. "Remember to wear a jacket, or you'll freeze to death." The figure winked, then concentrated on making it's nails black, again.

Remus stood up, still wrapped up in the large quilt, and began to walk towards the door.

"Oh! I forgot!" Remus turned towards the portrait that was blushing, blue eyes shining. "Good morning, Remus," it called, grinning.

"Good Morning, Sirius."

Remus checked his watch for what must have been the fourteenth time in the past two minutes. Raised by a muggle and wizard, Remus had no problem with buses, and trains. It was this particular train that was going to drive Remus off the edge.

It had arrived late, it had stopped at stops it wasn't supposed to stop at, and had been delayed by accidents four times. Remus closed his eyes, and tried to get some rest. He was beginning to feel as though he should have stayed home and risked the howlers.

In the Ministry of Magic, Department of Mysteries, Death Chamber, Severus Snape sat sullenly on the dais. He looked on into the veil, trying to control his surging emotions. He knew he wouldn't cry. He hadn't cried in ages. He didn't cry. It wasn't how he functioned. That was a lie and he knew it. He had cried just last week. He sighed, and turned towards the veil. "Good morning, Sirius," he called to it.

_The rain falls, the grass grows_

Outside Harry stood leaning on Draco in the rain. Their trench coats were on and umbrellas up, but they stood, soaked, wondering where Remus was. Harry nuzzled his head against his lover's shoulder.

"Love, where is he?" Harry raised the sleeve of Draco's coat to look at his watch. He was an hour late.

"Good morning, indeed," Sirius sighed, and continued to lacquer his nails in polish.


	2. Chapter 2

NOTE: Most of this fic is memory type bits. All flashbacks are in order. Review. Cheers.

Challenge—Without You

Chapter Two

_Without you the seeds root_

James Potter eyed the occupants of the opposite bench warily. The little rat like one was huddled in the corner looking nervously about. The one long auburn haired one was busy with his eyes glued to _Hogwarts, A History_, reading with his eyes looking down at the paper with no interest whatsoever. James was about to say something when suddenly the door was roughly shoved open. A tall, lanky but handsome boy of their age with long dark brown hair stood in the doorway, leaning against the frame, smirking.

"Just checking to see everything's all right. I heard from another compartment that someone was lighting joke firecrackers in the hall." From his smirk, it was clear to James that this boy was no doubt the one who had done it.

"You serious?" the auburn haired one asked, looking up from his book at last. James and the new comer were surprised at the intensity they now found in the previously dead amber eyes.

"That's what it says on my birth certificate." The new comer grinned a wide smile, getting over his shock.

"Um . . . what?" This time the mousey one spoke.

"Er, my name's Sirius. S-I-R-I-U-S. Sirius Black. I assume you can spell black?" He dropped himself gracefully onto the seat next to James, his light blue eyes twinkling with laughter.

"I'm Remus," said the auburn haired one, looking again at _Hogwarts, A History_ with vacant eyes. "Remus Lupin."

"James Potter," said James, smiling slightly, still unsure.

"Hey!" cried Sirius. "You're a pure blood! We're distant cousins." Sirius beamed. "Your mum is my mum's second—no, third cousin, once removed, er twice? I dunno, but we're related." He turned towards the mousey one. "And you are . . .?"

"Peter Pettigrew," he provided, not meeting the other's eyes.

"So, Peter, James and Remus, may I ask what House you're hoping for?" Sirius was obviously trying to engage them in small talk, as a getting-to-know-you conversation. Remus, knowing that he could probably not remain friends with any of them, due to his monthly problem, decided that he wanted no part in the conversation.

Peter looked down again and said in a small voice, so that no one was sure if they had heard him right, "I'd be happy if any House would have me."

James grinned, running a hand through his hair, ruffling it and giving it the appearance of being much less cared for than it was. "Gryffindor, or _maybe_ Ravenclaw."

"Grynffindor sounds okay. I'm really not that interested." Remus seemed more interested in reading a book that made his eyes turn dull than in the conversation, but Sirius merely grinned.

"My entire family has always been in Slytherin. I really don't want to be in that House, though. Maybe we'll all be in the same House. That would be brilliant! I can tell we'll all get along wonderfully!" Sirius was smirking. James snorted in half laughter, Remus rolled his eyes and Peter had to cover his mouth to stop from laughing himself. Sirius grinned. "Just you wait."

The sorting ceremony went fast, and before any of them had the time to realize it, James, Sirius, Remus and Peter were sitting next to each other, chatting and laughing. Sirius had been right. They were giddy, excited that they were getting along, and eating fabulous food and as many Butterbeers as they could stand. Even Remus was giving shy smiles, still unsure of what would happen if they found out about his problem.

When they left the Great Hall, they were escorted to their House. Remus, Sirius, James and Peter all had beds in the same dorm. They settled in and tried not to laugh, finding it unreasonable that Sirius could be so right. And right he truly was.

Within one week they were the best of friends.

_The flowers bloom_

Sirius twitched. He thought he had heard a cry, but that was impossible, seeing as everyone else in the dorm room was asleep. He sighed heavily and closed his eyes, ready to go back to sleep. There! He had heard it again. Muttering about the wreck that his hair would no doubt be the next day, Sirius trudged out of bed and proceeded to check each bed, one at a time, until he found out which one of the first year boys was screaming in their sleep.

His search stopped on Remus, when he noticed that the boy was tangled up in his sheets, and that there were tears flowing seemingly endlessly from his eyes. Sirius shook the boy gently, but this only caused him to become more distressed, and he started kicking and screaming. Sirius did the only thing he could think of. He climbed into bed with Remus, and hugged the boy tightly against him.

He could feel when Remus woke up, because the boy started all out balling, turning to bury his face in Sirius's chest. He was hiccuping and gasping, tears poured from his eyes as he tried in vain to push himself closer to Sirius's warm chest. Sirius slowly started and slowly rubbed his back in circles, whispering in his ear.

"Hush," he murmured into Remus's ear, long since having forgotten the awkwardness of the situation. "Hush, it's all right." he rubbed Remus's shaking form, and ran one hand gently through his hair. Eventually Remus quieted and only occasionally let loose a soft sob or a lone hiccup. "Do you wanna talk about it?" He asked and Remus met his eyes for the first time.

"I've all ready used up a lot of your time," Remus whispered. "You can get off on to bed. I'll be fine." But Sirius could tell that Remus _wouldn't_ be fine. He sighed, and swung his legs up to the bed.

"I'll stay here for the night," he responded, and Remus looked at him, dumbstruck. "In case you need me again." And Sirius didn't notice it, because he was too lost in Remus's eyes, but tiny flowers started sprouting from Remus's window. Neither knew how to make flowers grow, or for that matter, do wandless magic, yet the little flowers on the ledge were proof.

Around five in the morning, before the other boys had awoken, Sirius slipped back into bed, having not slept at all that night. He found himself reluctant to leave Remus's now quiet, sleeping form. He leaned down gently and kissed Remus's forehead, then retreated to his bed quickly, blushing all the way. He walked away suddenly, so he didn't notice the blush staining Remus's cheeks, or the fact that his eyes were wide open.

_The children play_

Remus tugged Sirius's robe gently. There was no response, so he tugged harder, before grabbing Sirius's arm and whispering "Sirius?" Sirius turned when he heard his name and saw the small auburn haired boy curled around his arm.

Remus looked horrible. The nightmare had been five days ago, yet Remus had huge bags under his eyes. He also looked as though he hadn't eaten in five days; his strong, thin frame now looked tiny and weak.

"Remy, what's wrong?" Sirius pulled the boy away from him, aware that his smaller peer was crying. He wiped the tears from Remus's face and smiled kindly at him.

"I can't sleep, Sirius. I haven't gotten sleep in four days because I'm afraid to have another nightmare." Remus was sobbing into Sirius's shirt, grabbing it tightly.

"Alright, c'mon." Sirius pulled Remus towards the large wooden doors, pulling him outside into the sun and warmth of late summer, and leading him in the direction of a large tree. "Sit here." Sirius sat down first, and Remus collapsed in his lap, crying and hiccuping into his arms. Sirius rubbed his back and whispered sweet nothings in Remus's ear.

"Sirius, I'm scared you're going to die. I had a dream, and now I'm scared." Remus's voice was small and tight.

"It was just a dream, Remy." Sirius cooed in Remus's ear. "Just a dream. It won't happen now."

"But I saw it!" Remus screamed, breaking away from Sirius's strong arms, hugging himself, and crying at Sirius. "I saw it happen, and I know it's real. I don't want it to happen!"

"Remus, listen to me." He cupped Remus's face in his hands, his wide palms covering Remus's cheeks. "Listen, Rem, everyone has dreams and everyone dies. These are both givens. If you try to find connections between the two, you will drive yourself mad. You will be fine, Remus. I will be fine. You're dreams are just dreams. They will pass in time. You just need to accept life as what it is. It's just living, dreaming, and dying. Try and get some sleep now. I'll still be here when you wake up."

Remus was sobbing again on Sirius's chest. He was trying to stop, but Sirius made no motion that he wanted Remus off. He just rubbed his back and whispered in his ear, and said, "I know."

"Get some sleep," he heard Sirius whisper, and Remus settled into his chest, moving every ten seconds trying to get a comfortable position. He lay back in Sirius's lap, nuzzling his arm with his head.

Sirius chuckled and started petting Remus's head gently, making him calm down and slowly begin to fall asleep. Around him, his fellow students were playing Frisbee and games on their brooms. Children ran around, screaming and shrieking and running amuck.

Sirius looked down at the boy sprawled on his lap, sleeping but tears still cascaded down his face. Sirius looked around, and when he thought no one was looking, he bent down and gently pressed his lips on Remus's. He pulled up fast, his heart beating in his ears and a blush settling over his features, and on his lap, the sleeping figure smiled, and his tears faded away.


	3. Chapter 3

Did I forget to update? nods yes, yes I did. Enjoy! Review! Um VERY HEAVY LIME, YOU ARE WARNED.

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Challenge—Without You

Chapter Three

_The stars gleam_

Severus Snape pushed a stray lock of his long, stringy, black hair out of his face. He didn't like waiting. Night was starting to set in all around him and sitting in one of taller towers he was freezing. He looked around, growing angry at the fact that the other man wasn't there to meet him.

The door to the tower opened and in stepped a boy, younger than himself by a few years, with long dark hair and hazel eyes. He grinned, a wide thin lipped grin, before sliding into a seated position beside Severus.

"Do you have any idea how hard it is for a third year to get up here? You're so damn lucky that you're a fifth year. And a bloody prefect." The boy turned away scowling.

"Regulus, don't make me angry with you. The Dark Lord is angry enough at you for the both of us already." Severus glared slightly at the younger Black.

"Oh. So this is a business meeting. I was hoping it was a pleasure rendezvous. I really don't want to discuss the Dark Lord. I know he's pissed, believe me I do. Make me feel better?" Regulus pouted, but his eyes gleamed with mirth. Severus knew that Regulus was used to getting what he wanted and it was no surprise. No one could resist the Black family's eyes, although both Sirius and Regulus didn't have the traditional black eyes.

"Please don't do this, Regulus. I thought we talked about this." Severus knew he was pleading the wrong person. The fight hadn't even started and he had already lost.

"Yes, we did discuss this. So you wanna do my brother? That's nice. I want you, he doesn't. You know I can do a great Sirius impression. Do you wanna see it?" Severus turned away, unable to stared at Regulus eyes, gleaming with schemes and badly hidden malice.

"Stop it! I told you, we're through!" His eyes screwed up tightly with pent up anger and lust. "I can't do this anymore. I can't. Listen, I'm here to talk business. The Dark Lord is angry with you for backing out. He isn't going to let you live."

"But you know I don't care about him, or his stupid plans. I joined because my parents wanted me to. I joined the Death Eaters be closer to you. I don't care about them. I want you." Regulus crawled towards Severus, looking deep into his black eyes.

_The poets dream_

He dipped his head into Severus's crotch, pulling the button out of the hole, and pulling the zipper down with teeth. "I'll do you for free. No charge, not like everyone else." He reached his head down again and breathed on Severus's growing erection. Severus Snape wore no underwear. He extended his tongue slowly, watching Severus, making sure Severus was watching his every move. He lowered his head slowly, still locking eyes with Severus. He licked Severus's cock slowly, one single lick, taking more time than he needed.

"Ah—no!" Snape gasped, trying to push backwards away from the boy sprawled across his legs. His arms were pinned behind him by a well-timed curse and he swore as Regulus nuzzled his erection, causing a throaty moan to emanate from him.

He swirled his tongue around the head of it, slowly, taking the tip of it his mouth, sucking at the smallest bit, and pausing to look expectedly at Severus's face. He waited for the noise that Severus was trying to hold back. It finally tore from his throat, a large moan and a gasp of breath. Satisfied, Regulus continued. He slowly started licking and sucking up the length of the older man's cock, until it was completely within his mouth. Severus was panting and moaning from waves of pleasure he couldn't seem to ignore.

Regulus swallowed, creating suction in his mouth. He grinned when Severus thrust his hips towards Regulus's mouth. He removed his mouth fast.

"I won't do anything more unless you beg me." Regulus grinned as Severus started crying, painfully hard with nothing to do about it unless he admitted that he really wanted Regulus. He tried to find some friction, but there was none.

"Please!" Severus cried, giving in.

Regulus smiled, and again lowered his head into Severus's crotch. He took Severus's erection into his mouth all at once and Severus gasped, arching his back and thrusting his hips towards Regulus. He sucked, and licked, and even nipped until he felt Severus was about to orgasm. Again he removed his mouth.

"Do you really want it? You have to really want it, and I'll give it to you. But you have to beg me to, Severus."

Severus doubted he could say anything coherent. He tried to form words, but they only came out as a pained whimper. Finally he managed to murmur the word "ple . . . ase . . .?"

Regulus grinned and again took Severus inside his mouth. This time he sucked forcefully and purposefully and he could feel Severus's erection beginning to weep inside his mouth. He sucked harder and tried not to grin as Severus lost control, and screaming, came in his mouth.

Severus slowly reawakened to the world. He zipped up his pants absently and looked around for Regulus. He found the youngest Black sitting cross-legged at his right. He turned towards the deviant third year.

"So, was that worth three galleons or what?"

"I have a mission tonight, Regulus." Severus sat up, rubbing his head. It ached painfully. He didn't want to do his mission. He didn't want to do anything after that experience. He didn't want to hurt Regulus.

"Take me with you?" No, no, no! He shouldn't come with! If he didn't then he wouldn't have to do the mission. Oh please no!

" . . . All . . . All right . . ."

The journey into the forbidden forest was painful. The way Regulus's eyes were following his every move, asking questions he couldn't put into words. Severus Snape was not in love with Regulus Black, but he could feel his heart break with every unasked question. He didn't mind pain; he had become accustomed to pain in the Dark Lord's services. This was not that pain. It was a pain that lodged itself deep inside his heart, a pain he couldn't find to wipe out.

"I love you, Sev."

"You don't know what love means."

"I do know what love means. I love you."

"I . . . "

"I know you don't love me and I'm okay with that. Are you going to kill me?"

"Yes. It's my order. I can't . . . "

"I know."

--

Sirius cried out in frustration. "God dammit! It's bad enough he whores himself around, but then he had his customers send me his fucking money to give to him! What the fuck? Where is that bastard, I'm gonna kick his arse into next buggerin' week!" Sirius looked over to the Slytherin table, but in his usual spot next to Severus Snape, there was no Regulus. He paused, staring. Sirius noticed the tear stains on Snape's face. He knew that wasn't good. Oh god, what had happened?

"Maybe he just hexed himself, the dumb bastard. I bet he'd in the Hospital Wing. Or he slept in . . ." Sirius was becoming hysteric, breathing heavy and talking fast. Remus tried to say something to Sirius, but before he could, Dumbledore stood before all the tables looking grim.

He said that he needed to speak with them about a most tragic and important event, Sirius could hear his heart pounding. No. It couldn't be. Regulus wasn't . . . couldn't be . . . but Dumbledore merely looked at him with eyes of pity, and Sirius ran out of the hall, with a cry of, "No!"

_The eagles fly without you_


	4. Chapter 4

Without You Challenge—Without You

Chapter Four

The years had passed quickly. First year lead to fifth, in a path paved with mischief, detentions and the wonderful abilities of an invisibility cloak. Fifth years was when the real world leaked into the haven they knew as Hogwarts. They had all waited for the moment the world would rudely awaken them, but when it came they were all too shocked to be upset at the slap in the face.

_The earth turns_

The pretended they weren't worried. Sirius picked at his eggs idly, none of it making it to his mouth as of yet, and none of it would. They tried to make it look like they weren't staring. But they were. They were worried, and scared and they didn't know what to do. Mischief was one thing, five years and they had that down. Problems of the emotional variety—no. They didn't deal with that.

Remus met his eyes, and then looked down, scared of the emptiness he saw in Sirius's dead blue eyes. "How are the eggs," Remus muttered in Sirius's direction. Sirius didn't respond. "Sirius, can I speak with you?" Sirius grunted, so Remus stood and started to walk towards the staircase. He was relieved to see that Sirius was following him.

When they reached a somewhat secluded hall, Remus stopped and turned to face Sirius. He opened his mouth to say something, but Sirius had opened his mouth as well.

"I miss him," he murmured. "I hated his guts, but I miss him." Remus took a step towards Sirius, unsure of what to do. He had never seen Sirius this down before. "I want to think about something else. And when I try to forget him, all I can think about is you."

Remus flushed. "What do you mean?"

Sirius stared at the wall directly to the left of Remus's head. "I don't know. I just can't stop thinking about you. You and Regulus. But I've been thinking about you for years, Moony."

"You're all I think about, too," Remus admitted in a small voice.

"Really?" Remus thought he saw some of the old light flash in Sirius eyes and grinned. Remus moved his head suddenly, stealing a chaste kiss from Sirius's lips. He flushed crimson, and started to turn away when Sirius caught him and pulled him in fast for another kiss.

Remus was shocked by the action, and left his mouth slightly agape. Sirius used this as a vehicle for sliding his tongue into Remus's open mouth. Remus gasped, and Sirius wrapped his tongue around Remus's. Moaning, Remus responded by pushing his tongue into Sirius's mouth in turn. Sirius wrapped an arm around Remus's waist, and Remus threw his arms around Sirius's necks.

The need for air became overwhelming, and they pulled apart, connected by the arms they had wrapped around one and other. Remus snuggled his head into Sirius's chest. Sirius looked down at the mess of auburn hair nestled against him and for the first time in days, he smiled.

_The sun burns_

It looked like tag. To those who watched them, it seemed like tag. They giggled, because they knew no one knew it _was_ tag, their version of tag. Remus panted in breath, his cheeks red from exertion. He ducked behind a large tree that James and Peter happened to be leaning on.

"How are you, Remus?" James asked, smirking slightly at Remus's appearance.

"Fine—you?" Remus wheezed, laughing.

"I'm fine, Remus." James tried not to laugh as Sirius popped up behind Remus, tickling his side.

"Ahh—I—surrender!" Remus cried, doubling over in laughter.

"You're it," Sirius whispered in Remus's ear, running off in the opposite direction.

"Bastard!" Remus cried, running after Sirius, laughing and gasping while he tried to run after him.

When they were out of range of James and Peter, James turned to his friend and grinned, a small sad grin. "I haven't seen Sirius smile like that for so long. It's nice isn't it?" James looked past Peter towards Remus and Sirius. Sirius had Remus in an iron hug, and Remus struggled, laughing. He watched as Remus turned to face Sirius and place a kiss on Sirius's lips, tearing away when Sirius was distracted.

"I think it's kinda gross," Peter said, making a face at Sirius and Remus who were now rolling in the field.

"Peter, I suggest you keep comments like that to yourself. I haven't seen Sirius this happy since before Regulus died. I have never seen Remus this happy since I met him. I don't care how wrong anyone thinks what they are doing is. If it makes them happy you will smile and buy them anniversary presents, and help them deal with relationship problems, and help them pick out wedding rings if it comes to that, because you are their friend, and you don't get the right to approve of what they do. And you will deal with this, Peter, or I will kick your ass into next week, Merlin help me." James was out of breath, but he glared at Peter none-the-less, panting. Peter's eyes were huge with shock and fear. He nodded blankly. He looked off into the distance, his eyes lingering on Remus and Sirius.

"All right, Prongs. Didn't mean to be offensive. Forgive me?" James refused to answer for a long moment.

"I'll consider it. Now go find me something to hex, or it'll be you." James ruffled his hair as Peter ran off as fast as his stubby legs would take him.

Sirius tugged playfully at Remus's arms, crisscrossed over his stomach and held in place by Sirius's stronger hands. Remus laughed, and tried idly to pull away. They were both grinning widely.

"I feel like I'm in a straight jacket." Remus giggled.

"That's 'cause I'm crazy for you!" Sirius replied with a grin.

"That's the lamest comeback I ever heard! Is that what you spent all of History Of Magic coming up with?" Remus demanded, trying his hardest not to start laughing.

"Yes, Sir," Sirius replied with a mock pout. He saw Severus Snape across the field. "Remus I have to go talk to Snivellus. I'll be back later, kay?" he kissed Remus quickly on the lips, and then ran off towards the pacing Slytherin.

_But I die without you_

"Severus, can I talk to you?" The Slytherin turned suddenly when he heard his name. "I would like to talk to you about that thing you told me the other day."

"Oh. Okay." Sirius noticed how Severus didn't meet his eyes. He assumed it had something to do with the nature of this conversation or the fact that he had been housemates with Sirius's own recently deceased brother.  
"Listen, Severus. I don't want you to think my answer is coming from a hate for you. I don't hate you. I haven't for a while." Severus looked up, hopeful. "I'm seeing someone, Severus. I'm seeing someone I have loved for a very long time and I don't think that he and I are ever going to 'over'. I appreciate the fact that you have fallen for me, and I understand how hard it must have been for you to tell me.

"I have respect for that. A lot of respect. But there are other things to consider. I believe that everyone is made tailored for one other person in the entire world. But I don't think I'm the one for you." He looked Severus in the eyes, and Severus turned away.

"Oh. Okay." Sirius knew that none of this was sinking in. Severus looked as though someone had just woken him up to tell him that his puppy had been found dead, impaled on a stick.

"Listen, Sev, it's not that I don't like you because of who you are. It's not. I just . . . I'm sorry, I just don't feel that way for you. Please, Severus, try to understand." He was begging Severus with his eyes. He didn't need a response, not really, he just needed to know that Severus didn't hate him for it.

"I do. Thank you for not teasing me," Severus whispered, tears edging at his voice. "I'm sorry to burden you with this." He ran off, wiping his eyes on his sleeve.

"I'm sorry I couldn't be right for you," he told the air, pretending that Severus hadn't walked off. He needed to get this off his chest, and so he spoke to no one, softly, and pretended that everyone could hear. "And I'm sorry that you couldn't love my brother the way he loved you. I'm sorry that everything has to end bloody wrong, and I'm sorry that I couldn't help you, Severus Snape." He sighed, and slowly walked off towards Remus.

--

"_Sirius . . . Sirius! Oy, you arsehole, stop ignoring me! Guess what Sirius? No, I didn't decide not to join the Death Eaters . . . no I didn't decide to give up my job . . . no, I am not going to be on the cover of playboy! Guess what really! No, I have not decided to let you kill me. I don't think this is funny. I'm trying to tell you something serious, Sirius. Wow, that's fun to say. Shut up! Well, I'll just tell you then. I'm in love. No, I don't mean that I suck him off more than usual. No, it doesn't mean that he pays more! I don't make him pay at all. I love him. He's this boy, your year, my house. I think I'm really in love with him, Siri. I don't know what to do. And I don't think I can live without him . . ."_


	5. Chapter 5

Challenge—Without You

Chapter Five

Sirius grabbed Remus's hand. They only had two weeks left. Two weeks until they would leave Hogwarts forever. It was unreal, and strange. They would, of course, continue to see each other, and maybe live together, but Hogwarts had been their home, their starting point, and their comfort zone.

The years had passed like days, fifth year quickly becoming seventh. Sirius and Remus had grown to love each other, though neither could admit it, James's head had deflated a fair amount and Peter had received what would be his first and last kiss.

Sirius had spent a long time thinking to himself, which worried the others. Sirius Black did not think things through. He was spontaneous, often dragging the others down with him into his plots, no one knowing exactly what he had in mind. So, when he tapped Remus on the shoulder a week before the end of school and told him that he wanted to talk about something, Remus became obviously nervous.

"You don't think he's gonna break up with me, do you?" Remus asked James, putting his book down for the fifth time in about five minutes.

"I don't think so. No, Remus." James sighed, flipping through the magazine he was holding. "Do you think Lily would like this one?" He turned the magazine towards Remus and Peter. Peter shrugged and Remus stared for a few moments.

"No, it's too big." Remus finally decided.

"Can you have a jewel that's too big?" James asked, studying Remus before shrugging. "Anyways, Sirius can't stop talking about you, so it'd be stupid to break up with you. How about this one?"

"Too pink. Who wants a pink engagement ring? How can you be sure that he isn't gonna break up with me?" Remus picked up his book again, reading the same line five times over and none of it sinking in.

"Trust me. I'm great at all this relationship stuff. How about this one? It's an emerald. It'll match her eyes. Not too big, but it will leave a large dent in my bank account. What do you think?" James was grinning like an idiot and Remus rolled his eyes.

"Perfect."

"Excellent."

Without you the stars roar

"Remus, I'm glad you came. I wasn't sure you would." Sirius was lounged like a cat on the canopied bed that he had summoned in the Room of Requirement.

"Of course I came," Remus replied, plopping down on the bed next to Sirius. He had finally accepted that it was unlikely that Sirius was going to dump him, but now he was unsure. Sirius's eyes were blank and serious. He was scared to death.

He crawled across the bed towards Remus, placing his hand on Remus's shoulder. "Hey, you okay?" The hand on his shoulder felt awkward. Their touches had never felt wrong, but this did. Why didn't Sirius hug him?

"You're gonna dump me, aren't you?" Remus felt tears coursing down his cheeks and he felt ashamed on the tears, so he covered his face with his shaking hands.

"No, Remus! How could you even think that?" Sirius pulled Remus around, wiping the tears from his eyes. "I would never—! Is that what's been bothering you?" Remus nodded. "Oh, god. I'm so sorry, Remus." He pulled Remus closer to him, hugging the now sobbing boy. He held Remus until Remus stopped crying, and slowly sat up, wiping his eyes.

"Then what did you want to talk about?" Remus asked, turning to face Sirius.

Sirius chuckled. "I was actually going to ask you if you wanted to take our relationship farther." Remus looked at him in shock for a moment.

"Oh."

They looked at each other for a moment, before they both started laughing. Sirius was wiping tears from his eyes, from laughter. Remus recovered first.

"So . . ." he brushed his fringe behind his ear. "We should probably talk, then."

"You're right. What I was going to ask if you would like to go to the next stage of our relationship, and I was going to ask you if you wanted to move in with me after school." He paused, looking for a reaction. "Only, I wasn't going to say it so bluntly." Remus chuckled.

"And by next stage you mean sex?" Remus replied bluntly, his heart beating to fast he could hear the blood pulse around his head.

"Yeah."

"Okay."

"Okay what?" Sirius asked.

"I want to move in with you. And . . ."

"And what?"

"I want us to do it, right now, before I change my mind."

Sirius's lips claimed Remus's with a fierce passion that Remus had never felt before. He moaned, letting Sirius push him backwards on the bed, while his long fingers struggled to remove his shirt. Remus reached up to two handfuls of Sirius shirt and tug it away as he shrugged off his own shirt, Sirius parted their lips, both panting, as he pulled his shirt off his arms.

He grinned a feral grin, before pouncing on Remus's pale, bare chest. Remus gasped as Sirius's powerful tongue kneaded his nipple, his hand working at the other one. Sirius was smiling, staring straight at Remus's writhing form beneath him. Remus's eyes were shut tightly, his mouth open in wide, silent gasp.

Sirius sucked Remus's nipple hard. His teeth clamped down on it and Remus bucked up towards him. Swallowing a moan, Remus shoved his hand down Sirius pants. Sirius gasped, suddenly, his hips rolling onto Remus's hand, his mouth still clamped on his nipple. Remus pulled his hand quickly up Sirius's hardening erection. Sirius moaned, parting his lips. He lifted his head, a thin trail of saliva still connecting his mouth to Remus's nipple. Their eyes met and Remus registered the dazed look in Sirius's eyes. Slowly, Sirius took Remus's other nipple in his mouth and Remus tugged at Sirius's erection again, his own hardening his the confines of his pants.

Remus was on autopilot working his hand on Sirius's cock according to his own need, eyes shut tightly and brain lost somewhere in vast regions of pleasure coursing through his veins like fire. He could feel a wetness on his hand and somewhere it registered that it Sirius's cock weeping on his hand, and that they were both still wearing pants. He struggled to remove Sirius's pants, while still providing friction. He realized that Sirius has finally moved past his nipples, and was kissing his way down Remus's torso. His tongue snaked out of his mouth, and filled Remus's bellybutton, causing him to quiver.

Remus finally curled his fingers around the button of Sirius pants and pushed it out of the whole, ripping Sirius's fly down in the process. Sirius pulled Remus's pants off of the smaller teen without bothering to unbutton them. Their underwear was next to go, and then they were naked in front of each other again.

Sirius grabbed Remus's hand and dragged it away from his erection, and slid down, licking the head of Remus's own erect cock. Remus shuddered, letting his hands fall limply to his sides. Sirius grinned, and slowly took the first inch of Remus shaft into his mouth. Remus's hands lifted and they were in Sirius's dark hair, pulling his head up. Remus twitched on the bed, inching forward, trying to push more of his erection into Sirius's warm mouth. Sirius grinned, and took another inch into his mouth.

_The breeze warms_

"God dammit, Sirius, stop being such a fucking tease!" Sirius chuckled, the vibrations running straight up Remus shaft, causing him to quiver. Sirius, smirking, obliged by taking all of Remus into his mouth. Remus responded by bucking his hips, and Sirius laughed again. The vibrations caused by his throat this time were more intense, and he could feel Remus bucking and thrusting.

He could tell that the small male was about spill, and he quickly removed his mouth, earning a frustrated groan from the boy sprawled on the bed. He smirked and reached onto the floor, digging through the pockets of his pants for the lube he had brought. He pounced back on the bed, waving the tube in front of Remus.

"You ready?" he asked Remus, all ready untwisting the cap of the lubricant.

"As ready as I ever will be," he murmured, watching as Sirius spread the cool gel over his erection and two fingers.

Sirius crawled between Remus's legs, lifting them onto his shoulders, leaving Remus flat on his back. He pushed a finger against Remus's entrance. Remus whimpered. He slid the finger past the tight ring of muscles at his entrance. He pushed his finger in all the way to the second knuckle, before removing it, and pushing it back in slowly. Remus was groaning, trying to keep himself calm.

He felt the finger again, but this time it was joined by a second. They felt tight inside him, and he could feel the make scissor motions inside him. When they pulled out form a final time, Remus watched Sirius's cock apprehensively. It looked much bigger than two fingers.

Sirius positioned himself under Remus's legs, and slowly pushed the weeping head of his cock into Remus's entrance. Immediately Remus tensed up. Sirius stroked Remus's thigh, and when the smaller teen started to calm down, Sirius shoved into him in a single fast motion. Remus screamed. Sirius was having trouble controlling his orgasm, already, with Remus's tight ass surrounding him.

"Remy, you okay?" Sirius panted. Remus's amber eyes were wide with pain, but he nodded and Sirius shifted his hips gently, brushing Remus's prostate. Remus gasped loudly.

"Do it again," he whispered.

Sirius shifted his hips more this time, virtually removing his cock from Remus's ass before slamming it back in. Remus cried out, shoving his hips backward, impaling himself on Sirius's erection again. Sirius kept thrusting, but he could feel his erection begin to spill, and he knew his orgasm wasn't that far off. He grabbed Remus's neglected cock and pulled at it, forcing it to point his own was at. Remus's clenched his ass and Sirius grasped Remus's cock hard, his own threatening to flood. With a cry, Remus came all over his hand and Sirius followed inside Remus, before collapsing onto his lover.

"I love you, Remus," Sirius murmured from Remus's chest, unable to move from exhaustion. Remus lay wide-eyed, in shock. By the time he regained his voice, Sirius was dead asleep on his chest.

"I love you, too."

"Who owns the green pants?" called James, digging through the huge trunk they had used the past seven years. All four of them. It was enormous, and they kept in Hogwarts all year long. It had seemed like a great plan at the time, and now when they were leaving it seemed like one of the stupidest things they had ever done.

"Peter," Sirius responded. "Oy, Peter, that is most definitely my shirt! You don't even know who the Ramones are!"

"Neither do you! My shirt, Sirius," Remus smirked, pulling the shirt out of Sirius's hands. "And James, I think those are Sirius's boxers."

"Damn!" cried James. "I've been wearing them for months."

"Keep them, please," replied Sirius. "Remus do you want those socks?"

"Please," he handed them to Sirius. "Whose book is this?"

"Mine," Peter muttered, grabbing the book and shoving it in his trunk, burying it at the bottom.

"Porn, Peter? I expected better from you," James reprimanded with a grin. "All right, I'm not gonna ask about this one, and I'm also not gonna touch it. Sirius get your ass over here and grab your dildo." Sirius hung his head in mockery and grabbed the toy from the trunk.

"Oy, Peter, that's my shirt," cried Remus lunging for the shirt. "Sirius gave it to me for Christmas!"

"Who owns a remembrall?"

"Peter. James, your snitch is loose again."

"Sirius, that sounded so wrong."

"Oy, hands off of each other you two, or I will lock you in the trunk so help me Merlin."

"Peter's reading porn, though!"

"James your snitch is showing off."

"Stop it, Sirius!"

"Wait, why did no one tell me my fly was open?!"

"I did."

"SIRIUS!"

_The girl smiles_

They stood outside Hogwarts, waiting for the last Hogwarts Express. James saw Lily and went running off. Peter was off wanking off in a corner, and Remus looked longingly at Sirius grabbing his hand. Smiling they boarded the train, heading their separate ways but always keeping an eye out in case one of them passed by.


	6. Chapter 6

Challenge—Without You

Chapter Six

Dumbledore said it would only be three months. He just had to be sure who the Death Eater was. Then they could all go on their merry way, one Marauder short. He had said only three months, tops. It had been four. Four months to the day when a very pissed off Sirius Black jumped out of his fireplace.

"Where is he?" Sirius demanded, slamming his hand onto the desk. "I haven't seen him in four months not three."

"I told you, I am moving them every day so they won't get caught. James is fine."

"I wasn't asking about James," Sirius responded, his voice icy. He could tell from the look in Dumbledore's eyes that Dumbledore knew exactly who he was talking about.

"I'm sorry, Sirius, but I cannot allow you to see Remus."

"Let us have two days—Or, a night and a day," begged Sirius. "Please?"

"I can't do that." he paused, looking at the five silver pierced that now adorned Sirius's pale ears. "When did you get those?"

"A week ago." he shrugged. "I was bored. I think you're just torturing us because you haven't gotten laid in twenty billion years." Sirius turned to storm out when he heard a soft voice from behind him. He turned back.

"One day and one night, and that is all."

"Are you ready?" Sirius's eyes examined Remus's face, looking for any sign of regret or unwillingness. It was clearly plastered over Remus's face, but Sirius knew the same expression of fear was mirrored on his own.

"I have been for ages. I'm ready." He reached out and grabbed Sirius's hand, admiring the pierces in his lover's ears. Sirius smiled and gave him a gentle squeeze. Sirius reached in his pocket and pulled out a key. He moved it towards the lock, but faltered, turning to face Remus.

"We don't have to. We can wait. If we don't take it today, we can just do it some other day. You know . . . " Sirius looked down, not able to meet Remus's eyes in case he agreed, or in case he didn't.

_The cloud moves without you_

"After the war? I don't want to wait. Let's do it now." Remus grabbed Sirius's other hand and brought it up to the door, and unlocked it. They stepped in, and turned on the lights. "Where's the—?"

"Bedroom? Two doors to the left." Sirius and Remus were suddenly frantic, hands gripping each other as if they would die if they let go. The pulled each other to the bedroom and upon reaching it stopped in their tracks. They had never been nervous before, but now they couldn't help but feel it.

"Sirius . . . ?"

"Yeah, love?"

"I'm scared." Remus looked at him. Sirius pulled him to the bed, and pushed him down. He smiled at him, and gently kissed him on his shaking lips, then nipped his neck, and face.

"I understand. This is a commitment. It's all right to be scared. It's all right if you don't want to." Sirius's eyes were staring through him, to his insecurity, which he was trying desperately to hide.

"Sirius, I love you. Whatever you want."

"Anything?"

"Anything."

_The tides change_

Remus couldn't see. The blindfold covering his eyes left him entirely without sight. Not even the edges of light were visible. His pulled at his wrists but they wouldn't budge, tied tightly to the bedposts. He tried not to panic as he felt Sirius tie his feet to the bedposts as well. They had never done anything like this before. While both of them had expressed interest in experimenting with sex, but Remus had never thought they would do it so soon. He struggled again against his binds.

"Hush, baby. I'm here." Remus could feel hands on his hips, then they were gone. He moaned, bucking his hips gently. "You want to feel me?" Remus moaned again, too muddled by fear and lust. "I couldn't hear you."

" . . .Y-yes!" Again he felt a gentle touch, starting by his hips. One finger trailed down his waist, while a single finger from the other hand pressing gently on his chest. His hips bucked again. " . . .Si-Siri-Sirius!" The fingers were gently and slow. Remus thought he might have died and gone to hell, and that was why Sirius refused to do anything other than gently touch him.

He could feel gentle fingers tweaking his nipples. They hardened instantly under the attention. He could feel a breath over one of his erect nipples, and gasped, trying to thrust his chest higher into the wet cavern hovering over him. His binds restricted him and he groaned in frustration. He heard a chuckle.

"Anxious?"

But Remus couldn't answer; his mind had flown towards his hardening groin. He felt lips close over his nipple, sucking and nipping at it. He was whimpering. The mouth was slowly removing itself, but the teeth on his nipple continued to pull as they rose up. Remus felt a shallow cry leave his lips.

"Please . . ."

The lips moved to his neck, sucking insistently on the place where his neck met his shoulder. They moved to his Adam's Apple, sucking and biting it. Remus was almost painfully hard, but the lips and the fingers seemed in no rush to help his rapidly growing problem.

"Yeah, baby?" the voice that reached his ears was low and husky. Remus bucked his hips again. "Didn't hear that. Plead with me, love."

"Please . . . ! For the love of Merlin . . . please!"

The fingers finally acknowledged his request, tugging playfully at his willing erection. He could feel the friction, every inch of the callused fingers running up and down his swollen length. But the fingers refused to set a rhythm to which he could move his hips. The touches were erratic, sometimes hard and fast or barest touches at the slowest pace. Remus was panting and sobbing, and pulling his restraints.

"Do you want me inside you, babe?"

Remus couldn't answer, but he nodded his head furiously. He could hear a chuckle. He could feel himself being lifted and felt a pillow shoved under his back, which he was then dropped back down on. The position it left him in was uncomfortable and open, and he felt vulnerable.

Something cold traced down the curve of his ass, now visible, and teased the pucker of his ass. He realized it was a finger as in plunged into him. He clenched his ass around it, moaning. He felt a second one slip in and meet the same resistance as the first. They were stretching him, widening him, and touching the place that made him want to scream and cry and smile all at once. The fingers were removed, then thrust in again, all the way to the second knuckle. He felt the fingers removed for a final time and his ass clenched again, in anticipation.

"Calm down, Remy. I can't get inside you if you're so goddamned—" the voice paused as Remus felt something much larger push roughly into him. "Tense."

Remus felt his opening stretch to accommodate the intruder, to the point where it became painful and he couldn't help but cry out. Tears were pouring down his cheeks into the blindfold and Remus grew more tense.

"Baby, hush. You've held me before. You can do it again. Breathe."

Remus took in a shaky breath, and then felt the rest of the intruder slide into him in a quick motion. He gasped, feeling the muscles in his ass spasm and the shudder of the intruder inside him. He could feel something above him rock and it slipped out of him, only to be shoved back in rapidly. Remus screamed. It rocked out and in again. This time Remus felt it hit his spot.

In a moment his pain was forgotten. It was a distant memory. His head was spinning. He could hear himself make noises, and knew they were his, but what he was saying was disconnected from him. He could feel a hand desperately pumping his erection, but it didn't matter. He wasn't there. He was flying. He could vaguely feel a hand pulling at his rock hard erection, and he felt himself tremble and spill on the hand.

He could feel something warm inside him, but he felt pounding again in his ass and he found himself growing hard again. Again fingers pulled at him and he felt his hips rocking and he knew he was going to have to cum again, and he suddenly felt his head spinning again and then he knew he was happier than he had ever been before.

Then he realized that something was being pulled out of him. He made a guttural noise in the back of his throat and he heard a chuckle. He listened and tried to figure out where it was coming from. He realized that he was alone on the bed.

"C'mon Moony, you all ready came twice. So did I." Remus sighed. "Now where the fuck did I put my wand?" Remus snorted, half laughing half sighing. "Remus. Listen, I just want to apologize for this, before hand." Remus was suddenly alert, and aware that he was still bound. Why wasn't Sirius releasing him? There was something wrong, and he was now very aware of it.

His mind was racing. He was sure this time. _**He has to be**__._ Sirius was the spy! _**Oh god.**_ He felt his breath hitch. _**Oh god**__._ This couldn't be happening. _**No!**_He had just invited himself to be made useless and helpless. _**With a Death Eater.**_

"Listen, I don't want anyone to point any fingers."

_**Of course not.**_

__"I want this to be as simple as possible."

_**Uh-huh.**_

"And I don't blame you. Not at all."

_**Wait . . . what?**_

"I understand. Just like I understood with Regulus. Well, I thought he was a raving dumbass, but I still understood."

_**Wait, he thinks I'm . . .? **_

__"Wait, you don't understand at all! I'm not—"

"No use lying now. I know. I know. It has to be. It _can't_ be anyone else. Remus, I've thought this through. And I know that it can't be anyone else. It has to be you. Goodbye, Remus. I'm sorry."

Remus heard the door slam. "Shit."

Sirius revved his motorcycle, taking off into the night sky. He glanced below him, more as a hopeful gesture than actually expecting to see anything. Then he noticed the boy running as fast as he could, half-dressed down the street.

The boys run

He moved faster through the sky, riding as hard as he dared, trying to gain some distance on his lover turned now almost-confirmed Death Eater. He couldn't go much faster without making a racket that would wake all the Muggles for miles. He was trying his hardest not to hear the man running behind him, screaming his name as loud as he could.

"Wait, Sirius!" Screamed the voice from below. Sirius tried to ignore it, but that was hard for him. He had never ignored Remus in his life. "Please!"

Sirius knew he had to get to Lily and James and little Harry before Remus, but his conscience was standing in his way, and he was never one to ignore his conscience. He tried his best, but before long he realized he had slowed down to the same pace that Remus was tirelessly running.

"Sirius, please! Listen to me, dammit! It isn't me!" Remus was panting, beginning to slow down from exhaustion. "Please!"

Sirius wanted with all his might for it not to be. But the spy wasn't himself, and Peter was too stupid and scared to do anything vaguely resembling dangerous, which left Remus. He was about to speed up again to hold back from crying, when he noticed that Remus had disappeared.

Mere meters away, the Dark Lord was sitting in a makeshift throne. He looked bored, his head resting on his palm, his elbow leaning on the arms of the throne. His loyal supporters surrounded him in a silent black-robed ring. Wormtail bowed low, kissing his master boots. "I will show you to them, Master. I will lead the way, my Lord. They will not know we are coming, my lord. Everything will be perfect, my Lord. Everything will go according to plan."

"Shut up, Pettigrew," the Dark Lord's tone was icy and bored, and echoed through the warehouse.

Lucius Malfoy entered the deserted shed that they were occupying for the night. "My Lord," he said, bowing low on one knee. "I have just come upon this in the street, and thought I might bring it back as a present, if it pleases you." He didn't rise to his feet, holding down the present in question with him. The "present" in question, was struggling against Lucius's grip with all his might, but not getting anywhere. He punched Lucius in the gut, and tried to rise to his feet, only to be stunned by half the Death Eaters in the room. He fell to the floor, limp.

Wormtail was beside himself that he had been interrupted, but Voldemort paused, smiling to survey the present. He grinned wider. Standing and kicking Peter out of his way, he walked over to the boy, kicking him onto his back. He looked him up and down, and his grin grew even wider.

"Lucius, you say you found this?"

"Yes, my Lord," he kept his head bowed, but then he looked up for a moment to see his Lord's giant grin. "He is one of the few werewolves that wouldn't join you." Lucius again bowed his head. "Does it please you, my Lord?"

"Yes, Lucius. It pleases me greatly."


	7. Chapter 7

Challenge—Without You

Chapter Seven

The chains were rusted and old, Lord Voldemort himself not knowing exactly where he had summoned them from. They were thick metal coils wrapped around one and other forming tight chains; two tumbled forth from the triangularly slanted from the ceiling and two hung suspended from the floor. His body was already limp, having been hexed multiple times. His hair hung in his face, stringy, sweaty clumps of auburn.

Voldemort raised his wand and murmured a soft spell under his breath and the semi-conscious man rose a few feet in the air and hung there. With a quick flick of his wand the chains snaked down and encased the floating man's wrists and feet tightly, to the point it bruised on contact. The chains pulled up and down tightly, suspending the man in air with tight, sharp steel cuffs. Another muttered spell caused the young man to jerk awake, pulling at his restraints. With a cry, blood started falling from his sliced wrists, and he struggled more. "Pettigrew, you go ahead," Voldemort ordered the boy kneeling at his feet.

"I would like to extend my most sincere welcome to you, Remus Lupin." Voldemort grinned and Remus tried to struggle without worsening his bleeding wrists. Raising his wand, Voldemort swing it in a sharp slash. A matching cut appeared on Remus's chest and he screamed loudly, turning his head sharply to the side to avoid looking at anyone. He raised his wand again and again, until Remus's chest was stained crimson and his voice hoarse from screaming. Large trails of tears made their way down his cheeks in and endless procession. The blood ran down his leg onto the cold stone floor.

The oceans crash

Sirius didn't want to follow to Remus. He knew something was going to happen to Lily and James, he didn't have time to follow Remus on a whim. But he felt something wasn't quite right. Sighing, he flew his motorbike onto the nearest apartment building. Parking it and casting a quick disappearing charm before Apparating down to the corner where he had witnessed Remus disappear.

He looked around the corner, trying to find some stray evidence of magic. He found nothing. No little glittering brick or the scent of burning. There was nothing. He was wasting his time. He punched the brick wall in aggravation, eyes trained on the ground. Then he saw the trail of red leading from the exact spot his standing. With a start he ran forward, eyes still watching to make sure he was following the blood.

He followed the trail all the way to a large storage facility. He listened carefully for any noise, but there was nothing. This was eerie enough for Sirius to want to check it out, anyway. He carefully opened the door, making sure it didn't squeak and slipped in. When he looked at the sight before him he wanted to cry out, but he didn't. Instead he backed into a corner and whispered a disappearing spell.

_The crowds roar_

Remus moaned in pain, hanging his head, as sobs shook his bleeding frame. He pulled again at his restraints, his wrist bleeding more, but he couldn't feel his hands anymore.

"You looked like you were headed towards the Potter's house. You weren't going warn Lily and James, were you?" Voldemort's voice implied that he was sure what Remus was about to go to warn Lily and James.

Remus opened his mouth and closed it again. "No," he whispered, his voice coming out in a croaking gasp. Sirius cringed in his corner.

"I have ways of loosening your tongue, boy, and you would prefer me not to use them." he smirked. "Or I could use them. I have no qualms either way." His grin told Remus all he needed to know. He was in for pain.

The Death Eaters formed a circle around Remus's chained form. Voldemort raised his wand as though he were conducting. Remus counted roughly twenty people in the room, not counting himself. Voldemort pointed to the Death Eater directly in front of him, to Voldemort's left.

"Avery, you start."

The wizard raised his wand and cried, "_Crucio!_"

Instantly a fiery pain spread throughout his body, every bone, every muscle, every nerve burning with pain so intense his head started pounding. He heard someone else cry "_Crucio!_" His pain grew. His fingers were twitching in agony and a cry wrenched its way from his throat and echoed around the room. "_Crucio!_" Again, the pain intensified. His voice was giving way but it kept ringing, his eyes were tearing, and he was sure that his cut up chest had actually been set on fire. Again and again until Remus knew nothing but pain. His head was splitting, his voice was tired from screaming and his whole body burned so immensely, he was praying for death. Death would be better.

Then heard Voldemort bellow "_Crucio!_" and all the pain he had experienced so far seemed to fade in the light of this new pain. His insides were twisting and his ribs were cracking from the pressure, his throat clenched up and he couldn't breathe. His pain was so intense he found himself crying out again, and screaming for a god he had never believed in. His eyes were rolling back, and he was sure that he was dying . . . On a signal that Remus couldn't process all twenty curses were lifted at once. Remus was silently sobbing, his aching body throbbing and spasming.

" . . . please . . . " Remus's plea was almost silent and completely broken. The Death Eaters laughed as though they had never heard anything quite as funny as the fact that Remus was trying to plead for his life.

Voldemort looked at Remus with glee. "Tell me Lupin, are you quite sure that you aren't trying to get in our way?"

_The days soar _

By this time, Sirius was convinced now more than ever that Remus was the spy. Somewhere along the line he had obviously made a mistake and tried to back out. The very same as his brother. He watched Remus panting and crying, and choking on his own sobs. Sirius his heart spasm in pain. This was his Remus and he couldn't do anything.

Voldemort raised his wand again and the chains confining his limbs spread further apart, until he was dangling spread eagle in midair. The chains were pulled tight and the muscles in his shoulders and thighs tore painfully. Remus was screaming again, his voice too hoarse for much to actually leave his lips.

"I would like to try something on you, if you wouldn't mind," Voldemort grinned again, and Remus couldn't respond. "Good, I knew you'd agree." Remus whimpered. "If you've ever summoned a metal pole such as this one," one went flying through the air from a corner in the warehouse, about two inches in diameter, no more than two feet long. "You realize that it comes spinning in a perfect clockwise circle, very, very fast. I have tried slowing it down a little. Let's see what happens, shall we?"

One of his Death Eaters positioned the metal pole at Remus's back, and he cringed. Voldemort raised his wand almost in slow motion and muttered a spell very slowly. Remus could feel the pole slowly twist into his back, but not breaking his skin. Then, very slowly, it cut the skin. With its next revolution it cut a little deeper. Remus threw his head up, letting loose staccato gasps and cries that burned his throat.

He felt it nudged his ribs apart and then, very slowly, the pole twirled into his lung. Blood was already pouring out of the wound and his head spun. He was trying to breathe, but his lung was full of blood. He tried to breathe, but he ended up hacking, blood pouring out of his chapped lips and down his chin. He was choking on blood, trying to clear his air passage, but only succeeding in cutting off his air more.

For Sirius watching, it seemed to take days for the pole to finally exit out the other side of his chest. He had hoped it would go all the way through, but it didn't. It stayed lodged in his chest and he watched as the Death Eaters laughed. He knew Remus couldn't breathe; with every choked gasp and loud, liquidy cough, Remus's face turned paler.

He watched as Remus gradually overcame the blood, and took a shallow breath before choking again. He watched as the Death Eaters laughed, beside themselves. He couldn't decide if this proved Remus a spy or the opposite. If Remus was a Death Eater, would they take such joy in his torture? Or did it not matter to them, as long as they saw blood? He didn't know. And it didn't really matter anymore. Remus was his priority. It didn't matter if they'd be fighting each other tomorrow, today they were still lovers and Sirius knew then that he had to save Remus.

Voldemort was grinning and chuckling to himself. He raised his wand and whispered, "_iugulo,_"[1] and he heard what sounded like a dying squeal of a tortured animal. He watched Remus's eyes glaze over and he kept crying. He had done it right.

Remus could feel in a single moment his chest tighten on itself, squeezing so hard he thought he might die, and then suddenly he felt his ribs crack simultaneously. He could feel the sharp edges break his skin and rub roughly against his insides. He screeched, tears falling from his eyes and he tried to remember how to breathe.

"I'm bored," Lord Voldemort cried, and his supporters gathered closer to him, forgetting the existence of the man hanging in the middle of the warehouse, struggling for breath. "Let's go to tonight's original plans. You will all follow me, you are not to know where we are going ahead of time. You will wait outside when we get there. I will be doing the work tonight. You will guard the entrance. Understood?" There were various nods and murmurs. He nodded and Disapparated with a loud POP.

As soon as everyone was gone from the warehouse, Sirius rushed forward. He had nothing resembling medical experience, but from what he had picked up from Muggle hospital television shows and common sense, he figured he should try to keep Remus conscious. Using a spell that James had once made up to make pranks easier to do, Sirius levitated himself steady up to Remus's eye level.

"Remus," he crooned in the unmoving man's ear. Remus groaned so softly that Sirius wasn't sure if he had actually heard it, or if he was just trying to convince himself that he had to make himself feel better. Remus twitched, and his eyes slowly opened. "Hey babe," he whispered, trying to blink back the tears in his own eyes. "Hey babe, let's get you down, okay?" Remus groaned again

Sirius pointed his wand at Remus's binds and tried to unlock them. He had tried every advanced lock-breaking spell he knew and was beginning to get nervous. He looked at the lock incredulously, then muttered "_alohamora_." The locks sprung open, and Remus fell into his arms with a cry of pain.

"We need to find a fireplace. I can't Apparate to St. Mungo's with you like this, okay babe?"Remus didn't respond, his eyes slowly starting to close. He reached down, scooping up Remus bridal style. He took a deep breath, then sprinted towards the nearest apartment building.

He sprinted up the stairs, trying not to drop Remus or let him move around too much and loose more blood. He knocked on the door of D14 and waited until a teenaged girl flanked by two very young boys answered the door.

"Excuse me, but could I use your fireplace?" They looked in shock to the man in Sirius's arms. "Please?" They nodded and Sirius slipped in. They had been sitting in front of their television, which was still running a cartoon. He turned to one of the little boys. "Do you think you could reach into my pocket and grab the little green bag?" The boy complied. "Now take a handful and throw it into the fire." The boy did and the fire turned a violent shade of green. Sirius grinned as the boy put the bad back into his pocket. "St. Mungo's," he muttered and stepped into the fireplace only to find himself . . . back in the hallway.

"Goddamnit!" He slipped back into the apartment. "Let's try this again." More powder was thrown in the fire. He smiled at them. "Thank you." He stepped into the fire. "St. Mungo's Hospital." He disappeared in a huge flash.

_The babies cry_

James smiled, and wrapped his arms around Lily's lean waist. She slowly lowered Harry down into his crib. She was humming a song to put Harry to sleep, and James was quietly whistling along. He heard a crash. Something wasn't right. He looked at Lily, who looked alarmed, too. Harry had already awoken and was crying loudly, trying to get his parent's attention.

James separated himself from her and turned her around, looking his wife in the eyes. "Stay here with Harry. I'm going to see what's wrong." He turned to walk out the door, and then turned, to look at Lily again. "I know you can take care of yourself, but I want you to stay here or run, okay? I don't want you trying to fight if it gets dangerous.

Lily started to protest. "James, I am just as much a member of the Order as you. I can fight and I can save myself. If something happens I will fight, James." Lily glared at him, but he sighed.

"Lily, please! One of us has to take Harry away, and I think it would be best if it was you, in case something happens to me. You can take care of Harry better than me."

Lily nodded reluctantly, and picked up Harry. She rocked him gently and sang a quiet song to him as James ran down the stairs, trying to calm him and herself at once, but Harry kept crying, even though her strong arms were around him.

They appeared in the middle of the waiting room of St. Mungo's, Sirius managing to step out of the fireplace without dropping Remus. "Please," he croaked, trying to yell and failing because of the ash he inhaled. He cleared his throat. "Please, we need some help!" He yelled. Immediately two Medi-Witches and a Healer came running.

Remus's eyes opened and he stared at Sirius. He found his voice not working, so he mouthed, 'don't leave me,' but Sirius sighed.

"I hafta babe. I'll be back. Stay alive for me, kay babe?" but they were already taking Remus away on a conjured stretcher and pouring a blood-replenishing potion down his throat. Sirius watched Remus until the stretcher had disappeared down the hall, before closing his eyes and Disapparated with half-hearted pop.

[1] Josh found this word for me. It apparently means "destroy, ruin, blahblahblah," if you trust online dictionaries. So yeah. If it's wrong, deal with it. I don't like Latin. I don't know Latin. I didn't want to make a spell, but seeing as this is Josh's challenge, meh.


	8. Chapter 8

Challenge—Without You

Chapter Eight

_Without you the moon glows_

Thump—the stretcher hit another bump and Remus was again rudely awakened to the fact that he was dying. He found this much easier to ignore with his eyes closed, so he closed them tightly and he felt his consciousness begin to slip when—thump. He whimpered helplessly.

The one Medi-Witch who continued to push him along the halls to the room where the Healer would be waiting, wasn't quite sure how to handle the man slowly dying on the stretcher. Her name was Marion and it was her first day on the job. If she tried to get him to speak he would bleed out more, but it may keep him in shock and then he wouldn't die of pain, unless he dies before she could get him to his destination, anyway.

"What's your name?" she asked, deciding that it was a good place to start.

"Remus," he voice was tiny whisper, his answer murmured almost inaudibly. "Remus Lupin," he finished slowly.

"So, Remus Lupin," she already had nothing left to say. "Got a wife? Kids?"

"No," he whispered, moaning in pain.

"You seeing someone?" She asked, desperate to keep his mind off his pain.

"Yeah. Name's Sirius. Sirius Black." He smiled slightly, and she bit back a sob. He was obviously young, younger than twenty-eight no doubt. He had a sweet smile, and she knew he was going to die.

"You're the lucky man who stole England's most eligible bachelor?" She smiled at him and his eyes opened, focussing on her. He nodded slowly, pleased with himself.

"We . . . married . . . six months from . . . Lily and James Potter." She was unsure if he meant they _were_ married, or they were going to_ be_ married, but she recognized the Potter's names.

"We just saw the Potter's here a few months ago," She smiled, and he smiled back, a small, weak smile on his tired face. "Little Harry James Potter. Cutest baby I ever saw."

"Sirius's 'Arry's god . . . father . . ." his voice was becoming distant. She swore silently. He was dying right there and there was nothing she could do about it.

_The river flows_

The table had been a sterile table at one point in time. Now, it was covered in rivers of blood, all springing from the young man lying prone on the table. All three had had their hands busy for the better part of two hours, making potions, casting spells, trying to get a collapsed lung to reinflate itself, every rib to realign itself, lots of cuts and bruises to heal and much more. They were tired and weak and he was still bleeding and unstable.

Marion sat in the corner, still determinedly fixing potions while the Healer and her Medi-Witch partner sat and tried to gather their wits and strength back about them for another long run at attempting to heal the poor boy before them.

Remus was semiconscious. His eyes fluttered open and he felt a rush of pain. A small squeaky moan fell from his lips, but no one seemed to hear him. He closed his eyes, trying to find something that would keep him from feeling all the pain and distress his body was in. He thought of what Sirius was doing. He thought about their new apartment that hadn't even been slept in. He wondered when Sirius would visit him and whether or not everything would return to normal once they were happy and home.

He closed his eyes tightly, a couple of stray tears spilling down his cheeks. 'Sirius,' his lips moved, but his voice was unable to make noise to accompany his lips.

_But I die without you_

Sirius appeared on top of the apartment building where he had left his flying motorcycle, making it visible before hopping on it and speeding towards Lily and James's house. He bad feeling had been proven by Voldemort and he had to be there _now_.

They stood still, dark shadows in dark cloaks hiding in the dark night. Twenty of them stood outside the house, covering the premise like a blanket. Lord Voldemort himself strode up the house, and knocked down the door with a single spell. James died running backwards up the stairs screaming to his wife to run. Lily died trying to protect little Harry from Voldemort. Harry died fifty-six years later, saving four underage wizards from three Muggles with guns.

Sirius jumped off his bike and raced up towards the Potter's house. The Dark Mark hung huge and hideous above their house. He refused to believe it. Their door was wide open, swinging off it's hinges. He ran into James's body at the top of the stairs. No! He fell to his knees beside James, his closest friend, crying onto his cold chest. He kept telling himself that it couldn't be real. There was no way it could be real. It wasn't possible.

He managed to pry himself away from James's cold body, and stepped slowly towards Harry's room, trying not to think of what he might find when he got there. He closed his eyes at the doorway, took a deep breath, and then stepped in. He took a moment before opening his eyes, preparing himself for the worst. Yes, he was about to open his eyes when he heard a baby cry.

He was across the room in a moment. His eyes were wide open as he took in the sight of Lily lying still with her baby boy in her arms. He reached down and took Harry into his own arms, cradling the tiny baby, trying to get him to quiet. He had had very little experience with his brother as a baby, but he knew a thing or two about shutting a baby up, and carefully bounced the baby on his shoulder until he quieted some.

Wrapping him up in a blanket he found at the back of the room, Sirius walked out of the room and down the stairs in a hurry, not able to stand the sight anymore. He walked out of the ruined house, when he noticed a strange cut on Harry's head. "Oh, poor baby," he murmured. "We'll take you to St. Mungo's and you can stay with me and Uncle Remus, how does that sound?" He was too busy talking to the baby to notice a huge shadow pass over him. He looked up with a start.

Hagrid reached a big hand down and scooped the baby out of Sirius's arms.

"Give Harry to me, Hagrid, I'm his Godfather. I'll look after him." He was shaking he was sure. All the colour had completely drained from his face.

"I got me orders from Dumbledore. Harry 'as to go ter his aunt an' uncle's."  
Hagrid glared down at Sirius who was breathing fast, almost hysteric. This couldn't be happening. He couldn't lose Lily and James and Harry and Remus all in one night.

"Please?" He begged. Then he remembered! Remus! The spy couldn't have been him, because he was in the hospital all night. Sirius found suddenly his mind was sharp and awake. That meant that it had to be—Peter! But no one knew that it was Peter who was there Secret Keeper. They all thought that it was himself, so when word got out that the Potter's were dead every one blame—him.

He pointed his wand off in the distance, tears dripping slowly from his eyes. _Accio bike_, he thought. His bike zoomed towards them, then dropped down to ground. He rubbed the handles affectionately. "Here," he said to Hagrid, looking pointedly in the opposite direction. "Take this. I won't need this anymore."

He stepped away and planned to Apparate away. He took careful time to remember the three D's this time. Destination. _Take me where ever that bastard Peter Pettigrew is_. Determination. _I need to get there NOW to kill that bastard for what he did_. Deliberation. _Move!_ And then he remembered Remus again, and decided that Peter could wait, and Remus maybe couldn't.

_The world revives_

Remus felt like a metal weight had been placed inside his head. His head felt heavy and big and he couldn't move. He groaned, and his throat ached. He took a deep breath, only to find his chest hurt just as before. But he was alive.

He hadn't realized until that moment that he wanted some of the pain. As long as he could feel the pain of the still-major injuries that the Healer's hadn't fixed, he knew he was alive. That was more than he had hoped for earlier. He remembered suddenly that Sirius was still gone. He couldn't tell how long it had been, but he had a gut feeling that Sirius should have been back by now. But then again, he didn't even know where Sirius was.

He tried to sit up and immediately wished he hadn't. His vision swam, and his chest burned. All his muscles ached and his ribs creaked under the tension. He was in so much pain. He wanted to sleep, his eyes closed already in an attempt to make his vision normal again. He tried to drift off, but he couldn't stop thinking about Sirius.

_Colours renew_

His chest burned again. Burned as if hot coals were sitting in his chest and shifting with every movement. His throat felt as if he were breathing ash. His breath was hot and thick. He felt something rise when he tried to breathe, and coughed something up. He kept hacking and Hacking, and he was trying to get whatever it was out of his system. He had his hand over his mouth to cover whatever he might happen to cough up. His vision swam again, and he closed his eyes as he coughed.

He opened them again to see a massive amount of blood coating his hands and his visions was turning black. He heard someone calling his name and tried to see who it was, but all he could see was black and red.


	9. Chapter 9

Challenge—Without You

Chapter Nine

_But I know blue_

"Remus!" Sirius cried helplessly, having Apparated into his lover's hospital room, only to witness him choke on his own blood. "Remus!"

Remus kept coughing, trying to get enough air to his lungs, so he could see whoever was calling him. The voice sounded panicked and familiar, but the darkness was closing around him, not oppressively, just like a deep sleep, and he slowly began to drift off into the sea of blackness.

His throat suddenly eased, and he felt the blood slide back down his throat. He gasped a breath in, choking and sobbing. The air was cold and harsh on his sore windpipe. His eyes slowly opened and he saw a dark figure looming over him. His eyes focussed a little more and he realized it was Sirius.

"Remus?" Sirius asked, his voice full of concern. "Hey babe, you okay?"

Remus tried to respond, but his throat was still tight and he couldn't form words. He nodded, instead. Sirius nodded back, still looking worried. Remus met his eyes and realized that Sirius had been crying.

"Why," he managed to croak, in a small raspy whimper. Sirius wiped his eyes self-consciously.

"You're sick. You shouldn't have to deal with this now." Sirius sighed, sitting in the chair next to Remus's bed. It was obvious that Remus was no better off than he was a few hours ago. The Medi-witches would probably come and whisk him off to another part of the Hospital any minute now.

"I know it's hard for you to talk, but I want you to listen very carefully to everything I'm about to say, okay?" Remus nodded slightly. "In a couple of days you are going to hear about something in the news, okay?" he silently prayed that Remus would live that long. "And it's gonna be about me. And it's gonna be bad—horrible, and terrible and something you know I would never do, okay?" Remus again nodded. "And when you see it, I want you to know that it's Pete, okay? It's not me," Sirius knew he was becoming hysterical. "I would never do that. It was Peter, okay?"

"Peter," Remus muttered. "Not you."

"Exactly," he bent down and kissed Remus on the lips. "Exactly, babe. It wasn't me. It wasn't at all. I have to go, though. I have to get Peter, so I won't be blamed. I'll come back, okay?" He smiled, and leaned down to kiss Remus's fevered forehead. "I'll come back babe. I'll come back." He Disapparated before Remus could respond

Sirius Black did _not_ come back during Remus's stay at St. Mungo's Hospital For Magical Maladies and Injuries, and did not return to the hospital for fourteen years.

_Only blue _

With a POP, Sirius appeared in a dark alley. He looked around rapidly, his eyes having trouble adjusting from bright fluorescent lighting to the harsh darkness outside. He drew he wand, and whispered "_lumos_" and the tip lit up, giving him a few feet radius of light. He looked about wildly, praying that he had gotten to the right place, when suddenly something ran towards him the alley.

"Peter," he growled.

The rushing figure stopped dead in it's tracks. "Oh, Sirius." He replied, recognizing his friend's voice. "Please," he cried suddenly. "You have to help me! Their after me, Sirius! The Death Eaters are after me!"

He could see Sirius grin, a malicious grin he had ever only see on Regulus's face. He took a step backwards. "Then I'm not the only one. You might want to stop moving, Pete. It'll make it that much quicker to die."

Peter immediately started off back out of the alley, but Sirius had longer legs and ran faster, blocking his path and stalking him slowly backwards to the dead end of the alley.

"I know what you did, Peter. Lily and James are dead because of you. They're dead!" Sirius was crying, screaming and sobbing. "They were good people, and they're dead, while slime like you still walks the bloody streets! You're gonna die for what you did. Be it at my hands or the Death Eaters. I _trusted_ you," Sirius spat. "I trusted you more than my own lover, not to give Lily and James over to the Death Eaters."

"Sirius, please, you must understand, he threatened me. He would have killed me!" Peter pleaded, sinking to his knees.

"Then you should have died, nobly, as James and Remus and I would have done for you, or anyone of us! You ran off. You left them die," Sirius kicked Peter hard, and Peter lay sobbing the alley.

"I'm sorry!"

"No," Sirius's blue eyes were full of tears. "No, you're not. You would do it again in a second; I can see it in your eyes. You would let Lily and James and little Harry and me and Remus all die in a second if it could save your sorry ass." Peter opened his mouth. "And don't you dare deny it." Peter's mouth shut promptly.

Peter looked around frantically. He pulled his wand out of his pocket and held it behind his back. He reached in the back pocket of his pants for a knife and put that in the same hand as his wand. He looked up fearfully at Sirius. "HELP! MURDERER! MURDERER!" Sirius was stunned for a moment, and Peter took this chance to race forward, turning when he hit the street.

People were rushing out of their houses towards Peter. He grinned a frantic, fearful grin and with and effort, severed his finger from his hand. He pointed his wand behind him, eyes watering from the pain in his hand.

"What are you doing?" Sirius demanded, but at that moment a huge bright light illuminated the street and Sirius covered his eyes. When he opened them, everyone on the street was silent and still. Peter looked at him and waved slightly before transforming into a rat and scurrying down the sewer.

"No. No, dammit, no!"

_Lonely blue_

Remus was wheeled along another hallway, and this one had less bumps. He could still hear his heart echoing his head. Every beat of his heart ached and every breath stung. He tried to drift off into the empty black sea he had discovered earlier, but he couldn't find it. It had left him, and he wanted it. He couldn't function. He couldn't breathe. And Sirius's words kept running around his head.

He took a deep breath for a sigh, but it burned his throat and lungs and he coughed again. The Medi-witch looked at him, but there was nothing she could do all by herself. She picked up the pace that she was moving the bed. Remus stopped coughing suddenly, gasping in breath.

He was suddenly lonely. He wished Sirius hadn't left him before and he wished Sirius would return. He was lonely, and sad. Blue, he mused, and black. Like a bruise. He was bruised and broken, waiting for Sirius, who seemed in no hurry to come back. What if he died and Sirius wasn't there?

The bed stopped suddenly, and Remus's breath caught in his throat. What if he died all by himself?

_Within me blue_

Sirius didn't want to run. He knew running would just be more suspicious. But there were bodied all around him and the muggle police were coming. He couldn't help it. He ran. He started off slowly, walking away from the scene, but then he heard the _swoosh_ of broomsticks and he knew they were trailing him, so he started running, full speed.

Remus took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. He stopped suddenly. The breath was stuck in his throat. He couldn't get the air! God, he needed air! He was sputtering, trying to grab the attention of someone, but no one was in the room with him. _Oh god, oh god, oh god_. He looked around desperately, his vision blurring.

Sirius was barely avoiding a dozen stunning charms. He was running faster than he ever had in his life, all his grief fueling his adrenaline. He was crying and his hair whipped behind him, as he ran into the wind. Suddenly, he felt himself trip and realized that ropes were coiling around his body. _No!_

He couldn't breathe. He really couldn't breathe. He was becoming less frantic, and his whole body felt heavy and numb. He saw that same sea of black, again, and knew that this time he should just give in to sleep, a deep, deep sleep. He felt his eyes slide shut, his body still screaming for oxygen.

Sirius was crying as they hauled his body up. He knew there would be no trial. That would be a waste of them. They would send him straight to Azkaban. He would never be let free, he would never get a trial. He would never see Remus again. He sobbed, suddenly. He hadn't done anything wrong! This was wrong. This was so wrong. He wanted to kill Peter. If he could do it again. If only he could close his eyes and when he opened them he'd get a second chance.

This time he wouldn't waste time talking. He'd kill him, straightaway. It would all be better. So much better. But when he opened his eyes, he was being Apparated to the land closest to the island where Azkaban was situated. He was tossed in a boat and they started rowing him off to his horrid fate.

Remus closed his eyes and saw nothing for a moment. And then he saw Sirius. He saw Sirius playing chess, and idly reading a book. He saw Sirius grooming in the morning and undressing at night. Everything he could ever remember about Sirius seemed to fill his mind. Then he felt as though someone was whispering in his ear, "it's all over."

Remus's breath did not come and his face turned a pale shade of blue. His eyes didn't open and his chest did not rise. He was proclaimed dead at 3:37 in the morning. At precisely 3:57 Remus Lupin's death certificate was ripped apart.

Remus shot up, aware of someone tapping him on the shoulder. He looked up to see the elderly man who worked the trains rousing him.

"Sir, this is the last stop. You need to get off."

Remus jumped up and ran of the train. He glanced at his watch. "Shit!" fashionably late didn't even begin to describe how late he was. He ran to the first alley he found, and Disapparated as fast as he could with the direction "_Wherever Harry is now_."

He stepped out of the alley to the corner where Draco and Harry were waiting, and gave them his sad excuse, not mentioning his nightmare, or that fact that he was continually having these horrid and entirely true nightmares.

With a smile, they stepped into the restaurant and Remus tried to forget the sight of Sirius bound and gagged, and sobbing his name.


	10. Chapter 10

Challenge—Without You

Chapter Ten

_Without you _

The door swung open softly to Number 12, Grimmauld Place. Sirius slipped in quietly after Remus. They quietly mounted the stairs and walked up to the room that Remus had been occupying for the past three years. He sat down on the bed and waited for Sirius to do the same.

"I'm gonna go make us some food, okay? There's a shower to the left—er, you should know that. Um . . .I have a razor in there you can use, if you want to shave. I also have some black nail polish stored in there." At that, Sirius lit up.

"I'll try to be fast, Remus."

"Wait, can we talk a little first?" He looked down, a little ashamed. "It's just because I don't think we've talked, like really talked, for twelve years."

"All right." Sirius smiled, and placed his hand on Remus's face. "I missed you so much. In Azkaban, I only thought of you. God, Remus, I thought I would never see you again. I thought we'd never get to see each other." He lifted his hand, stroking the little silver hoop in Remus's right ear.

"I got it to remind me of you. I couldn't stand it!" He reached out to touch Sirius, but his hand faltered. Sirius reached over, grabbing Remus's hand in his own. "I couldn't stop thinking of you, and it hurt so badly." He clung tightly to Sirius.

"I'm sorry, Remus. I'll never leave you again." he held tightly to Remus, stroking his back through his shirt. "Never leave you, never again." He kissed Remus's forehead.

"Go on then, go take a bath and shave, and what not."

"Okay. I'll be fast, Remus."

"All right. Meet me back here." Sirius was gone in a flash. Remus slowly went downstairs. He made some toast and grabbed some Butterbeers. Nothing much, but he hadn't stored up food in months. He went to the down stairs bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror. He rubbed his mustache. He had no idea why he had grown it. He didn't like it anymore. He grabbed his spare razor from under the sink, and slowly began to shave, trying not to cut his lip.

Every stroke with the razor was careful and deliberate. He didn't want to have scabs on his face, not tonight. He didn't want to bleed tonight. He thought it might have been smarter for him to have shaved the night before, but he hadn't thought of that. He hadn't thought straight in weeks. Finishing up, he stored the razor again under the sink and looked at himself in the mirror.

He couldn't see why Sirius found him attractive. His hair was limp, and his face was pale and mousy. He had started to look alive again, since Sirius had escaped from Azkaban. He brought a hand up to his cheek. He looked like shit. Sirius used to call him Beautiful as a pet name. He couldn't find a trace of beautiful in him, and he didn't know how Sirius did. He slammed the door on the bathroom loudly, storming up the stairs.

When he finished he returned to his room to find Sirius still not there. He yawned, covering his mouth with a fist. He was tired. He removed his shirt and slid into bed. He would wake up when Sirius came back. He would just take a quick nap. He was out cold in seconds.

Sirius waltzed into Remus's bedroom with nothing resembling a beard or mustache, with clean hair for the first time in twelve years, and with his nails coated in black polish. He stopped in his tracks when he saw Remus turn over in bed, his chest uncovered.

"Since when do you sleep in the nude," he muttered, staring fixedly at Remus's chest. He saw a long scar stretching from his right hip to his left shoulder and another circular one on his chest. He stared for a long moment at the scars. He knew where the circular one had come from, but he didn't know the other one. It unnerved him that he didn't recognize a mark on Remus's body. He had Remus's body memorized. He had traced it every night, trying to remember every scar, every freckle, every muscle. It had helped keep him sane.

Remus woke with a start. He looked up to see a clean and shaved Sirius. There were scars covering his face, scars Remus hadn't been able to see on his unshaven face. He reached up gently and touched Sirius's scars, tracing each one with his finger, shock covering his face.

"I don't know your face anymore, Sirius," he whispered, shock causing his voice to be tight and small. "I don't know your face or your body. I knew it, but you're so different." He stroked Sirius's face.

"Same to you," Sirius said, smiling gently and gesturing to the large scar wrapping around Remus's torso. "I think we should get reacquainted." He winked, making his intentions painfully obvious.

"Wait, Sirius," Remus's voice was apologetic, and pained. "I'm sorta seeing someone."

"What?" Sirius was in complete disbelief. "What do you mean 'seeing someone'?"

"Nymphadora," he muttered. "You know she's been all over me since I met her in the third year."

"You're dating Tonks?" Sirius stood back up in a hurry. "You're dating my cousin. My female cousin. God, how long did you wait before asking her out? A week? A month? Was I that easy to replace?" Sirius was becoming hysteric.

"No! Never, Sirius! She wouldn't take no for an answer—"

"Oh, bullshit, Lupin." Remus stared. Never, not once, since they had met had Sirius called him Lupin. Not once.

"I only said yes because she can change fucking appearance."

"I'm not following." Sirius's voice was cold.

"She looked like you! Almost passable, and I couldn't stand it!" Remus was screaming, tears pouring down his cheeks. "You left me! You left me, you asshole, dying and alone."

"Well, you're fine, aren't you?" Sirius spat.

"I died, Sirius."

"Don't go all theatric on me Remus."

"I'm not," Remus hissed. "I was dead. I died for twenty fucking minutes. I should have no fucking memory, no brain control, I should be a buggering vegetable, but I'm not. I'm alive, Merlin knows how, but I was scared," his voice broke. "I was scared and alone and she looked like you," he was sobbing. "And she talked like you, and she made it easy for me to pretend it was you. I died, Sirius. I choked to death on my own fucking blood!"

Sirius looked down at the boy lying on the bed, sobbing into his arms, his legs pulled up to his chest, and Sirius felt as though he had just been told it was his fault the world was going to end tomorrow. "Remus, love, I'm sorry." He sat down next to Remus, tentatively wrapping his arms around his lover. "I'm so sorry, love. So sorry."

Slowly, Remus stopped crying and lay in Sirius's arms, worn out.

"I understand, Remus. I understand why you needed her and I will understand if you don't want me anymore."

"But I do! I just don't want to hurt her. She's a sweet girl."

"I think she'll understand. She understands things like this," Sirius smiled and ruffled Remus's hair. "Would you like to make love with me?"

"Can I see you first?" Remus asked, his voice pained and tight once more. Sirius nodded and lifted his shirt over his head. He unzipped his pants and slid them off. Left only in his boxers, he slowly lay on the bed, and let Remus take in the sight of him.

Remus dipped down and kissed Sirius's lips. They were rough, and chapped, not like his memory of Sirius. Then his lips had been taken care of, and soft. He whimpered, not recognizing his lover's kiss. Sirius slid his tongue into Remus's mouth and Remus nearly started crying. This he remembered. This was the same. His hand snaked down to Sirius's side and he stroked the skin there, causing Sirius to quiver and smile into their kiss.

Sirius shuddered, placing his hand on Remus's bare back and stroking the length of his torso. Remus shot up. He grabbed Sirius hand in his own and felt it. It was callused. It was rough. It wasn't what he remembered. He kissed the hand, though. Every inch of it, committing the new feel to memory. He kissed every scar on Sirius face, taking each one in. He ignored his memory, his lips touching every bare part of Sirius, memorizing his body for what it was, not what he remembered it to be.

Sirius sat still, his eyes closed to block tears. He could hear Remus crying and he could feel the gentle touch of his lips on his body. He was mad at himself, because he couldn't been the person Remus remembered. He hated himself, because Remus was crying, and he hated himself because he couldn't even open his own eyes to do anything to help.

When every part of Sirius's body had been adequately memorized, worshipped and loved, Sirius flipped him over, and pulled off his pants, leaving Remus bare. He started at Remus's Adams's apple, nibbling at the sensitive skin there, watching Remus squirm as he remembered he would. He kissed his way down that long, winding scar, kissing Remus's pelvis before returning up and worshiping Remus's upper body once more.

He was disappointed when places he remembered as pleasure spots did nothing for Remus now, and overjoyed when they still worked. It had been twelve years. Twelve years of orgasms brought on by the idea of Remus's nude flesh and his own hand. Now that he had his lover beneath him again, he didn't know what to do. Twelve years and now all he could do was kiss the flesh beneath him and cry.

Remus stayed still when Sirius took him in. He heard Sirius whisper things like "beautiful," and Remus knew he was crying. Sirius was searching out spots he couldn't even remember having. Sirius kissed away his tears and ran his callused hands all over Remus's body, causing Remus to shiver.

When they had both gained control enough to continue, Sirius positioned himself at Remus's ass, and looked at his auburn haired lover.

"Remy, do you have lube?" he whispered, afraid his voice would break.

"No. But I'm relaxed. Do it now, while I'm relaxed."

Sirius slid in pretty smoothly, because Remus was relaxed and excited. Sirius, however, hadn't expected Remus to be as tight as he was, and nearly groaned as the muscles in Remus's ass twitched and tightened around his cock. He slowly slid out and back in. Remus groaned in recognition. This was right. Sirius kissed his neck, and slid slowly out again.

He thrust back in slowly, and Remus slowly rolled his hips. Sirius nipped at Remus's neck and throat, and Remus moaned, shifting his hips so Sirius slid out and then back in. Remus grabbed at Sirius's hair, and slowly slid down and up with Sirius. Their lips met, and their mouths danced slowly, their tongues barely touching, teasing the other with the very tips. Remus nipped at Sirius lips, slowly. Their mouths were attached tightly, and neither had any urge to part to breathe. They knew this kiss; this was a kiss they had shared before. Remus was smiling and crying, and Sirius as holding back his tears as hard as he could.

Their lovemaking was slow and gentle, surrounded in kisses and touches. The pace was slow and rocked together, both reaching their climaxes in unison, before continuing. The both came at least twice, and kept moving, as though they hadn't finished mere moment before. They were smiling and crying, but they needed this. They needed the slowness, the silence, and most of all, after twelve years of cold nights and masturbation, they needed comfort.

_The hand gropes _

"Remus . . . Remus . . . Remus!" Remus shook his head, coming back to reality, his arm still outstretched, grabbing onto Sirius. No, he wasn't. He was in a restaurant with Harry and Draco.

"Sorry," Remus muttered, rubbing his temples and trying to pretend as if he wasn't still lost in his hallucination. "What were you saying?"

"I was saying I think you should probably see a Medi-witch, because you keep drifting off." Harry sighed.

"I'm fine, Harry," Remus sighed back.

"No you aren't." replied Draco with a snort. "We've been here for an hour and so far you've barely said a word."

"I'm fine."

"You're the biggest liar in the entire fucking world, Remus Lupin," Draco sighed, running a hand through his hair.

"Yes, I am Draco," but he was gone again, lost deep in his memory, grabbing thin air for anything he could use to remember Sirius.

"Remus . . . Remus . . . Remus!"

_The ear hears_

Harry tugged at Sirius's sleeve. "Can I talk to you in private for a moment, Sirius?"

"Harry, I didn't mean to mention the weapon. You're not going to get any information outta me." Mrs. Weasley smiled to herself, almost as if saying _"told you so!"_ When Sirius saw her, he shut his jaw up tightly, so as to not slip and say something horrible to her.

"This isn't about that," he tugged at Sirius and Sirius nodded, grabbing a Butterbeer and following him. Remus stood by the door, drying a plate and trying not to look conspicuous.

"Sirius, I have a question for you. I think I know the answer, but I'm not sure. So I'm gonna ask you bluntly, all right?" Sirius nodded, taking a long swig of his Butterbeer. "Are you and Remus sleeping together?" Sirius choked on his drink coughing in alarm.

"How did you find that out?" he wheezed, while laughter echoed from the other side of the door.

"Well, I'm sorta sleeping with Draco Malfoy."

"You WHAT?!"

"Sirius, really, it's not that big a deal," Harry replied, sheepishly. "But anyways, I saw the look you too were giving each other during dinner, and I recognized it. It's the 'whose room shall we sleep in' look."

Sirius looked at him, dumbfounded. "You are really good! My god. I was gonna tell you at some point. I didn't actually think you'd be able to tell. But I—er, we—were gonna tell you at some point when we thought you were ready. I mean, Remus thought you were ready, but I wasn't so sure—"

Remus shoved the door open and walked in the room with Harry and Sirius. "Sirius. You owe me twenty Galleons. We made a bet and you said he wouldn't find out. I win. Money. Now!" Remus ran over to Sirius and jumped on him and they disappeared upstairs. Harry laughed.

_The pulse beats_

Remus's hands held tightly to Sirius, so tightly he could feel the other's heart beat, and feel his slow to match. Their hands stayed intertwined and Sirius smiled. He leaned down, gently kissing Remus on the forehead, then on his nose and slowly moved his way to Remus's lips. He kissed his lips again, and Remus parted them to let Sirius's tongue into his mouth. It was a fast paced kiss but neither moved, only connected by their lips and hands.

Remus curled his legs up on the bed next to him and Sirius did the same. He smiled at the little silver band around his finger and the matching one on Sirius's hands. They were old rings, and Remus and Sirius both wore them on their middle fingers of their left hand, but the rings meant more to them then they could say. So they sat on their bed, hands intertwined, they knew it was going to be all right.


	11. Chapter 11

Challenge—Without You

Chapter Eleven

Sirius was laughing, his loud, obnoxious, infectious laughter. He hadn't expected it. Neither had Harry. Remus couldn't think straight enough to determine if he had expected it. But the stream of green light hit him in the chest and he was falling backwards. He fell slowly through the veil. Remus knew that he couldn't come back through the other side, but he still waited, impatiently, for Sirius to reappear.

"SIRIUS!" Harry yelled, "SIRIUS!"

Remus grabbed him, stopping Harry from running into the veil himself. "There's nothing you can go, Harry—"

"Get him, save him, he's only just gone through!"

"It's too late, Harry—"

"We can still reach him—"

"There's nothing you can do, Harry . . . nothing . . . He's gone."

Harry struggled viciously, and Remus barely kept his hold. "He isn't gone! SIRIUS! SIRIUS!"

"He can't come back, Harry," Remus said, his voice breaking. "He can't come back, because he's d—"

"No!"

Remus dragged Harry away, before Harry managed to escape his grip, suddenly furious and screaming that he as going to kill Bellatrix for what she had done. Remus was all out of energy. He collapsed on the floor still staring in disbelief.

"I believe," he turned to find Dumbledore, and realize he was the only one left in the room. "That there aren't five stages of death the way the Muggles describe them. I believe they are different. Would you like to hear my theory? I believe it goes: shock, denial, anger, depression, acceptance. Young Harry is already angry. You're still in shock." He reached an arm down to help Remus up.

"He's okay?" Remus's voice was distant.

"He fought Voldemort, and is angry at me for letting Sirius die. Children's emotions are much simpler than yours or mine. Harry will get over this fast. He didn't know Sirius was well you did. He didn't love Sirius the way you did. Let's get you to Hogwarts with a dreamless sleep potion and some tea, okay?" Remus nodded weakly.

The next time Remus was aware of his surroundings, Severus Snape was there, looking sad, but controlling himself. He handed Remus a cup of tea.

"There's a dreamless sleep potion in there, all right? Get some sleep here tonight. We'll get you home when you're ready." Remus chugged the tea in a second, immediately slipping deep into sleep, tears falling down his cheeks in long streams.

_Without you _

Remus was back in the Black house. It was odd. It was empty. It was silent. Dumbledore was going to meet him today, for tea. Remus hadn't bothered to get dressed. He was wearing flannel pants and a baggy Mickey Mouse T-shirt.

Dumbledore arrived, with a huge flurry of his robes as he entered the house. He looked at Remus and smiled gently. "Hello Remus."

"Hi, Albus. Come, sit down." Remus tried to summon the tea from the kitchen, but his magic had been unreliable of late so he walked into the kitchen, and brought back two cups of tea. They sat and Dumbledore started to sip his tea. "I'm not moving out, Albus."

"I never said you had to," Dumbledore murmured softly. "But the house does belong to Harry, according to Sirius's Will."

"His old Will. It changed. Besides which, I thought the next Black in line inherited the House. Harry is nothing resembling a Black." Remus hissed.

"So then the house goes to Bellatrix Lestrange. Do you want to see her in Sirius's old house?" Dumbledore asked him, his voice cold.

"No, it doesn't go to Bellatrix. She's not a Black. There's another Black in line for the house before Harry." Remus sighed, sipping his tea idly.

"Are you going to alert me as to who this Black is?" Dumbledore asked. "I realize you and Sirius were close, but without a legitimate marriage, you can't be considered."

"We were married. The night the Potter's were attacked. I changed my name, though I still sign it the same way. Remus Black." Remus's eyes pleaded with Dumbledore. "I'm a Black, Dumbledore. I'm the heir to the house, and I'm not giving it up."

"All right then, Remus. I wish you had told me before. But thank you for confiding in me."

_The eyes gaze _

He paced around the house, unable to shake the terrible feeling of guilt that had gripped him ever since Sirius had died. He sat down on a couch suddenly, his legs not supporting him anymore. He tried to sniff back his tears, but they still fell, and Remus couldn't help but start sobbing.

He had ordered a portrait of Sirius and it was currently being made. He needed it. He needed anything resembling Sirius to be as near to him as possible, otherwise he knew he would go insane. He was trying his hardest to stay sane, but it seemed to be a losing battle.

He looked around. The table was covered in dishes and bottles and other things he hadn't bothered to clean up. When members of the Order were staying with him, they often cleaned up after him without prompting. Whenever Severus Snape came the house was spotless in moments. He knew that Severus did it for Remus's own benefit, but he sometimes wished that Severus would just leave. It was too hard to look at him.

Over the next couple of weeks, Remus talked less, and Molly Weasley continually commented that his amber eyed had faded to more of a hazel colour, and looked as though the owner of those eyes had died. Remus thought maybe he had died, and if he hadn't, he wished someone would get on with it and kill him.

_The legs walk_

When the full moon came, Remus didn't take his potion. He decided that he needed a chance to break free and maybe do something horrible that would take his mind off of Sirius. He wasn't sure it would work, but he was willing to try. At about six thirty, before the sun had set and moon was visible, he started walking towards a secluded forest. The walk was long, but he had time and he made it there with time to spare.

He sat down at the bottom a large tree in the center of a clearing. This tree looked much the same as a tree that Sirius and he used to sit under at school. The memory brought tears to his eyes, and he closed his eyes, waiting until the moon rose.

_The lungs breathe_

The transformation hurt, like it always did, however the pain seemed less for the greater pain in his heart. His senses were on fire and he tried to find something to eat. He smelled a rabbit. That would do for a small snack.

He bounded after the rabbit, catching it with ease. He was about to tear into it, when he looked down at it. Something that he didn't recognize flooded his system, and he almost let the poor struggling rabbit go, before choosing to ignore it and break the rabbit's head with his teeth. He ate it quickly before deciding that he needed more to eat.

He smelled something that smelled like a human. He slowly started stalking the smell and came upon a woman hiding behind a tree, holding a little baby. A child, ooh, he wanted that. He was almost next to them when the woman turned around. He stepped forward, and she stepped back, tripping backwards on a root and falling backwards. The baby started crying.

He stepped forward, about to grab the baby when he looked into the woman's eyes. She had strikingly blue eyes. He suddenly stepped back, running backwards as fast as he could, trying to get away from that woman who had stirred something inside him that he didn't recognize and didn't want.

He collapsed by a tree and closed his eyes. He howled, suddenly, and he felt tired. Slowly, he started to fall asleep, drifting off into a peaceful, dreamless sleep.

Remus awoke to find himself naked, lying in a forest with huge scratches covering his chest. His stomach made a noise and he realized what he had eaten the night before. He started crying, covering his eyes with his forearms, trying to block his face from view. He curled up in a ball sobbing.

He heard someone call his name and his head shot up. Severus stood there, a large black cloak outstretched in his hand. Remus grabbed it weakly and wrapping it around his naked, quivering form. Once he had the cloak on, he fell back down. He didn't want to get up. He didn't want to go back to the house. He started crying again, sobbing into his arms.

Severus stood there, staring at the boy crying at his feet. He could feel the same pain that Remus felt, although on a slightly lesser scale. He kneeled down beside Remus. Tentatively, he reached out and rubbed Remus's back. It was an awkward motion, but slightly comforting. Severus smiled sadly down at Remus and he murmured softly, his voice barely audible, "Embrace the pain, Remus. It will let you know that you are still alive."


	12. Chapter 12

Challenge—Without You

Chapter Twelve

_The mind churns _

The ceremony took almost too long for Remus to handle. Sitting in the first pew, his listened as people said their last goodbyes, then turned towards him, telling him how sorry they were for his loss. He didn't need to hear how sorry everyone else was. He was sorry enough for himself, and everyone else in the room.

His eyes were red and dry and he was tired of crying. His eyes had no more tears, he was sure. He didn't want to be at the funeral. They were burying an empty casket. He didn't understand the purpose of burying an empty casket. That wasn't true, he did understand. They needed a place to grieve, a single tangible place. He understood the whole idea, but he hated it. He didn't want to need a single place to remember Sirius. He wanted to be able to remember Sirius everywhere, anywhere and at anytime.

Harry sat next to him, cuddled in Draco's arms. He was still crying, he hadn't stopped crying in weeks. He made Remus feel tired. Remus was all ready exhausted; he hadn't been able to put with Harry. He felt bad that he had been short with Harry, but Draco had been there to make Harry feel better.

Remus had to stand, and shake people's hands. They told him "_it'll all get better with time_," but he knew that was a lie. The longer he spent trying to get over Sirius, the more it would hurt, and he knew it. He would try and try, he would date and he would get shitfaced and he would grieve until he was old, but it would never stop. He knew it would never stop.

He saw Harry whisper something to Draco and slip away into the throngs of people. Draco walked over to Remus, his black attire clashing with his platinum blond hair. He pulled up to Remus's side and grabbed his hand. He gave it a comforting squeeze and Remus felt tears fall from his eyes again.

"I don't remember Sirius that well, but he was a good man," Draco said, and for the first time today, the words spoken to him made him feel at peace instead of torn up inside. "I met him once at a family reunion, the one in Azkaban, when we were visiting Bella, with the whole family. You were there, too." Remus nodded and smiled at the memory. Draco's voice got quiet as he tried to remember. "And . . . I don't remember what he said . . .but I remember he made me feel like a person for the first time in my life, instead just a vessel to continue the pure blood line."

_Draco Malfoy stood a slight young seven-year-old at his father's heels. His father spoke to Auntie Bella in hushed tones, and he wandered off towards the one his father had hissed was "Sirius Black." He reached his uncle and stood outside the door smiling._

_"What?" Sirius muttered, starved and tired, he had no patients for a child._

_"I'm Draco Malfoy," the boy said, looking at him in awe. "I'm seven," he bit his lip and Sirius couldn't help but grin._

_"Yeah, Draco. You know you're the same age as my godson."_

_Draco's eyes widened. "Really? Wow! Cool! Can I meet him?" Sirius smiled at the young Malfoy._

"He said that you were a good kid. He placed his hand on your cheek through the bars and he said, 'Don't ever become like your father. He's a prick. You're a good kid, and you'll grow up to be a great man. I want to be there for you kid, but I can only do that if you promise me something, okay?' and then you nodded," Remus grinned at Draco who was blushing. "And he said 'Promise me you'll piss of your dad at every chance you get,' and you smiled and do you remember what you said?"

"I said 'Sure thing, uncle Siri,' and then you appeared, and said hello to him, and he stared and you said—" Draco's voice was full of tears but a sad smile lay across his face.

_Draco giggled. "Sure thing, uncle Siri." Sirius smiled at the child. Draco stepped back, walking away from him backwards, until he was more than twenty feet away, as a new shadow appeared behind him. _

_"Hello, Sirius." Sirius turned to the voice but Draco didn't turn his head._

_"Remus . . . " he looked from Draco to Remus. _

_"I can't stay long."_

_The heart yearns_

"I said 'I can't stay long," Remus closed his eyes, and squeezed Draco's hand back. "He said 'You're not real, are you?'"

_"You're not real, are you?" He looked at Draco again. Draco didn't seem Remus or seemed unwilling to acknowledge his presence. Draco watched as Remus took in the sight of his beaten uncle, his hand grasping at the bars, now for support. He saw Remus swallow hard and choke when he saw that Sirius was sitting in a growing pile of blood that seemed to be appearing from nowhere. He choked in a sob and nodded his head slightly._

_Draco watched as the strange man walked away, he stared at the man, unsure. The man's word echoed around his head as Lucius dragged him off, telling him not to talk to Uncle Siri again._

Draco closed his eyes tightly as well and for a moment neither of them were in the room, neither were at the funeral. "And then you replied, very quietly,"

_"No, I'm not."_


	13. Chapter 13

warning: m-preg, kinda, but not entirely

* * *

Challenge—Without You

Chapter Thirteen

Remus left Harry and Draco to finish their lunch and wandered off. Once he had reached an secluded alley he Apparated off with the direction _where the fuck Severus Snape is_. He felt as if he were being sucked through a plastic straw and was spit out in Severus Snape's basement.

Snape jumped when he heard the soft crash and turned around to find a very disheveled Remus Lupin sitting on his floor. He looked at the man, who seemed in no hurry to stand. He looked around the basement, taking in the many bubbling cauldrons and tubes of coloured liquid.

Remus slowly stood and looked into Severus's black eyes. "Sorry to interrupt. I just was wondering if you had any Dreamless Sleep Potion, and some Sweet Dreams Potion. Harry thinks I'm not sleeping well enough. I think it might help. And, um . . . anything else you have that might help. If it's not too much trouble."

"No trouble, really, but you do realize that both potions are available at stores in Diagon Alley. But maybe you're more comfortable knowing where they came from?" Remus nodded curtly. "As for anything else, I have a Mind Focussing Potion and my unpleasant company, if you'd like it."

"I actually would enjoy your company, and it's not at all unpleasant. It's nice." Remus sighed. "Can I ask you an probably uncomfortable question?"

"Feel free," he said, pouring one vial into another one.

"Do you have any idea why Sirius started hating you? I know he was friendly with you in Hogwarts. But then he started hated you."

"It had to do with Lily and James and Regulus."

"Oh."

"I'm sorry. I don't think you knew about that. I'm . . . sorry." Snape grabbed three large vials of liquid off his shelf. He put them down on a table. "I'm going to give you the standard warnings, all right? Um, taking any one of these, let alone all, may cause you to become irritable, or a little spontaneous. You could get angry, or tired, or lose your appetite. The last three are the most common and normally I'd suggest that you take _none_ of these, but considering the circumstance," he trailed off.

Severus looked and Remus and Remus stared back at Severus. Severus stepped forward and Remus did, too. Their lips met in a harsh kiss, painful and fast and bruising. Remus could taste blood in his mouth, and knew his lips were turning puffy with bruises. He bit down on Severus's lip, and Severus groaned, pushing his lips farther against Remus's.

Remus was crying, but he kept kissing back. Remus shoved him backwards on a table, half bending his over the table, kissing back, pushing all his pain and grief into his harsh kiss. Severus pushed back and Remus found himself pinned to a cold, concrete wall, being brutally kissed. Remus's hand reached down to his pants and undid the clasp, watching his boxers and pants fall to the floor.

Severus turned him around in a single, swift movement. His own pants were discarded mere moments later. Remus was shoved against the wall, his fingers digging into crevasses in the wall. For a long moment he stood there, his finer grabbing at thin air for something to grip. Remus squeezed his eyes shut tightly, and he felt Severus shove into him roughly.

It wasn't sex the way he had had sex with Sirius. This was raw and brutal. His though his ass might have been bleeding, but Severus moved fast, out of ass, slamming back in roughly. Remus was crying, his hand still stuck in the wall and his other hand slowly reaching down and grasping at his erection, pulling at it fast, in a pace matching Severus's. He knew when Severus came inside him, because immediately he fell to his knees. He knew his ass was bleeding, but he kept pulling at his erection until he came on his palm. He stared at his palm for a moment. It was covered in white liquid, and it felt sticky and wrong on his fingers. It shouldn't be there. He looked at his hand for a long moment before slowly lifted his palm to him mouth.

He stuck his tongue out of his mouth slowly, and began to lick his own seed off of his hand. It took him a long moment, sucking up all of the sticky liquid. When the last of it was gone from his hand, he looked for Severus, but he had left while Remus was cleaning his hand. Remus let out a weak sob before grabbing his potions and Disapparating.

_The tears dry _

Remus had been taking the potions and he knew the side effects were occurring, but he ignored them. He was now sitting beside Tonks and Harry in Hogwarts's infirmary, watching Bill with half interest.

"You see," Tonks said, glaring at Remus. "She still wants to marry him, even though he's been bitten! She doesn't care!"

"It's different," Remus said, barely moving his lips, his body suddenly tense. "Bill will not be a full werewolf. The cases are completely—"

"But I don't care either, I don't care!" said Tonks, grabbing onto Remus's robes, and clinging there. "I've told you a million times . . . "

"And I've told _you_ a million times," said Remus, refusing to meet her eyes, staring at the floor. "That I am tool old for you, too poor . . . too dangerous . . . " Tonks and Mrs. Weasley both opened their mouths to say something, but Remus beat them to it. "This is . . . not the moment to discuss is," he said, avoiding everyone's eyes, looking about distractedly. "Dumbledore is dead . . . "

Harry heard McGonagall retort with something about love and Dumbledore, but Harry didn't listen to her, too caught up in the words that Remus didn't say. He when he said "Dumbledore is dead," Harry knew he meant "Sirius is gone."

Tonks grabbed Remus's arm and pulled him into the hall. "Listen, Remus, what more do you want from me? I love you, and I know you love me."

"That's just it, Tonks. I don't! I love Sirius," he cried, not able to meet her eyes. He heard her groan in pain and looked up, meeting a pair on hauntingly familiar blue eyes, long dark hair and a small pointed noise. "Stop it, Tonks."

"Don't you want me to be like Sirius? Isn't this what you want?"

"No! I just want to be left alone!" Remus took off, running down the hall, out the door and past the gates of Hogwarts.

_Without you_

Remus took a long swig of the Sweet Dreams Potion. He eyed it carefully. He swallowed more of it and fell back on his bed. He closed his eyes and tried to get to sleep. He imagined Sirius. He imagined life as a happy thing, and slowly fell asleep.

"Remus! Wake up! Remus!" Remus bolted up, banging his head against the headboard.

"Ow . . . I'm up, I'm up." He sighed, throwing his feet off the bed and started to slip out of bed.

Sirius was waltzed in. "Remus, it's Sylvia's seventh birthday today. Get of your arse before she thinks that you're ignoring her. You know how seven-year-olds are. Go on, I'll take care of Tyler for a minute." Remus just started at Sirius and the little girl that followed him in.

"Hullo, Sylvia," he cried, running towards her and lifting her in the air.

"Daddy!" she cried. Clinging to his neck. He smiled at her. She had long black hair and bright amber eyes. She was tall for her age, but barely came up to his waist. She stayed at his neck, and he supported her legs. She reached and played with his earring. He turned to Sirius.

"How's Tyler doing?" Remus asked, walking over to the cradle that held their son. "He was coughing a lot last night."

"He's doing better," Sirius smiled at him, pressing a gentle kiss to Remus's forehead. "Do you need more sleep? I know you were up all night with him."

"I'll be fine," he turned towards his daughter on his neck. "Hey, darling, how about I let you down and you go find your presents, and come back when you find them, okay?" She nodded and he let her down. She scampered off in a moment.

Sirius smiled halfheartedly. "You've been acting distant these past months. Sylvia's getting worried, too, and you know unobservant she is. She has a right to be, she's still little, but you have been scaring her. Hell, Moony, you've been scaring me!" Sirius looked at him, his big blue eyes pleading.

"I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been out of it lately. I know it's gonna be all right, though." He looked around. He looked at his two beautiful children and his wonderful lover. He was all smiled. "Everything is going to be fine." He leaned forward and captured Sirius lips with his own. They shared a sweet kiss before they heard someone clear their throat.

They both turned suddenly, looking at little Sylvia tapping her foot impatiently. "Presents," she shouted. "I found them! Now it's time to open them! Move!" Remus and Sirius looked at each other, laughing. Remus grabbed Tyler and followed his oldest daughter and Sirius out the door.

They watched with glee as Sylvia broke through layers of paper to reveal her birthday presents. She shrieked with joy and Remus put Tyler down, and watched as he shoved a large plastic toy, head first into his mouth. Sirius chuckled and placed his arms around Remus's waist, his hand rubbed little circles on Remus's stomach.

"And there's little Michael." Remus looked down at his stomach, and realized quite suddenly that little Michael was growing inside him. He looked up, teary eyed and kissed Sirius gently on the lips.

"I love you, Pads."

Remus woke with a start, tears pouring down his face. He looked at his stomach. It was flat and muscular as it had always been. He took in his surroundings. He was in his bedroom, in _their_ house. He was alone and he had been dreaming. He cried out in pain and shock, reaching for the nightstand, and chugging the Dreamless Potion, praying that he would wake to find out this had all been a dream.


	14. Chapter 14

Challenge—Without You

Chapter Fourteen

Remus returned with a bang of the door, stepping out of his bedroom, and threw his coat to the ground before starting to walk towards the room he generally referred to as "Sirius's Room," although only his portrait occupied it. He stepped in, not looking at the painting before seating himself in a chair.

"How was lunch?" questioned Sirius, admiring his nail polish as he spoke, not mentioning the fact that the lunch in question had been three days previous.

"Fine," replied Remus. He knew that Sirius could identify his tone, and it was one that screamed _"back off."_

"Only fine?" Sirius tried again, knowing full well that he was treading on dangerous grounds. "Normally you come back from lunch with Draco and Harry with stories, and jokes," he paused, observing Remus's face. "And a smile."

"I don't feel like it this time, Padfoot. It was a fine meal, there was fine conversation, and now I've gotten so fed up with everything and you're only making it worse, so for once in you buggering life, will you just shut the fuck up?" Remus was screeching, tears in his eyes, and back on his feet.

"Fine. Talk to you're bloody own self then." Sirius half-pouted, and then became interested in his nails again, but Remus could tell this time his mind was elsewhere. He opened a bottle of nail polish, looked at it, then closed it again.

_Life goes on but I'm gone_

"Look, I'm sorry, all right?" Remus, sighed. Sirius made no move to respond. "I said I'm sorry, all right? I just can't stand it anymore!" He turned away, headed towards the closet and grabbing a suitcase. He started milling around stuffing clothing and other random items into his suitcase.

Sirius was watching him with intrest, but couldn't ask him what he was doing without first accepting his apology. He weighed them in his mind for a long moment. Remus walked in front of him, grabbing some books, before walking away and coming back again. Sirius sighed.

"Fine, I forgive you. What are you doing?" he asked, glad to get it out.

"Packing," responded Remus. "What does it look like? I was pretty sure it looked like packing myself." He grinned, though it was pained.

"No one likes a smart ass." Sirius responded with a cheeky grin.

"Well I always knew you were a nobody," Remus retorted, returning the grin, and chuckling lightly.

" So, are you leaving again, Remus?" the portrait of Sirius questioned, as Remus turned towards the large wooden door, aware of the harsh creaking of the floorboards as he paused, rocking on his heel. The room suddenly didn't seem quiet as it had in past visits. He could hear the noise of some creature they hadn't managed to exterminate, and made a mental note to do something about that. He knew he was distracting himself, yet it found it hard to truly care. "You've just come back."

"Yes," Remus replied after a moment. "I have to leave. Er—mission," he finally managed, even though he could tell that Sirius knew he was lying, He took a deep breath and prepared himself to move, but his feet stayed planted. He could have sworn he heard a whisper, crying out "_don't!" _over and over to him.

"You're not coming back this time, are you?" He didn't need to turn to recognize the expression that Sirius—no his portrait—wore. He has been found out.

"Why the fuck do I have to explain myself to you, eh? You're a painting. You're not real. You are nothing, not real, not really here, and yet you are still breaking my bloody heart!" Remus was crying, he knew it. He knew he must look like a fool, screaming and crying at a portrait who sat staring resignedly at it's nails.

"Then you aren't coming back. Ever." The words seemed wrong in Sirius's mouth. They were supposed to be together forever. Remus wasn't supposed to leave forever. That's not how the story goes, he almost screamed. It wasn't.

"No, I'm not." Remus found himself turning to face the disapproving look painted on the painted canvas. "I can't," a tremor ran through Remus's voice, he heard it and flinched closing his mouth in a rush. He had to be strong. If he lost his resolve now, he could sit forever in front of this painting and be blissfully, wonderfully _almost_ happy. It was an almost he could deal with, one he wanted. But he wouldn't be like prior fools who wasted their lives away in front of the Mirror Of Erised.

"I expected more from you." The boom of Sirius's voice shook him from his mind and brought him to the present. He saw the glare in Sirius's eyes and turned away, ashamed. "God, Remus, I expected the world from you. Was I wrong?"

"Well, I expected you to wait for me!" Remus cried, flinging himself at the painting, and smashing his lips against Sirius's. He could smell the paint strongly, and taste the bitter taste of it, but his eyes were open and he saw the portrait imitating his actions. He shut it his eyes tightly, but tears leaked out. With his eyes closed, though, he could almost imagine that Sirius was really there. The harsh smell of paint rushed back to him and he pulled away quickly.

His hand still stayed planted on the painting as he gasped to catch his breath. He looked and saw Sirius's hand mirroring his and he met Sirius's eyes. He stood mere centimeters from something resembling the man he had loved, yet he had never felt so alone in his life. He knew at that moment that even in a crowd he was alone. Alone. The word burned his mind. _Alone . . . alone . . . alone . . ._

"I understand, Remy. Really, I do. I just wish . . . " Sirius's voice was choked and small. _Small and alone . . . all alone . . . and small . . ._

"If wishes were fishes," Remus whispered, his voice also tight with emotion. "I'm sorry," he cried, and threw himself at the door, pushing it open and rushing out, slamming the door, running into the street. The screech of tires filled the air. Behind him, Number 12, Grimmauld Place was silent and still.

Severus Snape sighed, burying his head farther into his arm, still sitting on the dais. His eyes were gazing towards the ghostly veil. He let a small smile grace his lips. He could feel the presence of people around him and he felt a tear roll down his face.

"Good morning, Sirius. Good morning, Remus."

_Cause I die without you._


End file.
